For the 1989thconsecutive year, Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem dominated the field at the World Barefoot Waterskiing Championships, held annually in Kenosha, Wisconsin.Christ swept all eight events, earning gold medals in all racing and freestyle categories.
“You know, someone here today asked me how this stacks up against the other 1,988 barefoot waterskiing titles I’ve won,” said Christ, as he unzipped his wetsuit and enjoyed a cold beer in front of an adoring crowd.“I definitely have to say that this one was the sweetest.No doubt.I’ll never get sick of this feeling.”
He then pointed to the sky.
“TOP OF THE WORLD, POP!”
Christ has been barefoot waterskiing since the age of 20, when he discovered that his ability to walk on water translated seamlessly to the world of competitive watersports.In addition to his 1,989 world titles, Christ has also won his home nation of Israel’s national championship every year since the country of Israel was re-established after the Second World War.
But he says this title was different from the rest.
“Oh, definitely.I mean, you look at some of the guys out here competing.We got Sean Hanson.We got Luke Fairchild.These guys out here can shred, man” Christ said.“I knew I’d have to train harder than ever.Do whatever it takes.Spend some time in the desert, whatever.The preparation is as much mental as it is physical.”
But some people in the field are crying foul over Christ’s dominance over the sport.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love what he’s done for our sport,” said second place finisher Hans Rudolph.“Without Jesus, we don’t get sponsors like Budweiser to come in and make this event what it is.But at the same time, I don’t think it’s poor sportsmanship to suggest that being the son of Our Lord Almighty, and being able to literally walk on water gives Jesus an unfair competitive advantage.I mean, Jesus.He had his boat STOP twice.That’s just hotdogging.”
But Christ brushed aside any criticism for his style of skiing.
“I’m just gonna go out there and do what I do.I’m not gonna get caught up in how people perceive me or anything like that.Jesus is just gonna be Jesus.The rest is in Dad’s hands.”
Christ hopes to parlay his success in barefoot waterskiing into possible Olympic gold down the line.
“Oh, definitely.That’s what it’s all about.I think we have a chance at Rio.I really do.To be up on that medal stand while they play ‘Joy To The World,’ and to know I’m on an elevated platform that I’m not nailed to, that would be a Hell of a feeling.Wouldn’t it?”