Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh submitted a formal bid today to purchase St. Louis Ram running back Steven Jackson.Officials close to the deal estimate Limbaugh’s bid at roughly $30 million.
“I’m well aware that the nattering nancies in the league office don’t want me owning an entire team, lest the poor liberals be offended that a self-made man actually decide to buy something in this country,” Limbaugh said on his radio show this morning.“Well, that’s fine with me.Because I didn’t want the team anyway.I just wanted to own a player.I wanted to own a man, whom I could treat as everyday chattel.And now, at last, I shall.”
Anonymous sources within the Rams organization are unsure as to what Limbaugh plans to do with Jackson once the deal gets final league approval.
“The word ‘gardening’ was used in the RFP, which definitely set off a few alarms,” said one official.
But Limbaugh quickly brushed aside any concerns about the legality or ethical concerns over the deal.
“Folks, they are coming after me,” said Limbaugh.“I’m sure the ACLU already has a big ol’ petition ready to go the league office over this.And you know why?Because, folks, these people are enemies of freedom.They don’t want to live in the America you or I know.They want to live in an America where hard working folks like you and me are denied the basic freedom to purchase a man and do with him as we please.That’s not part of their AGENDA.They think it’s so BADDDD.I keep telling you this.They are trying to imprison us all.”
When asked by reporters if purchasing a black man might come across as racist, Limbaugh quickly defended his actions.“I am NOT a racist.Mr. Snerdly, who is black, provides hilarious voices for my show each and every day.He’s never had a problem with anything I’ve ever said or done.Nor was he upset when I bought him and his family for $50,000 and sold his children off to a plantation owner in Georgia.Isn’t that right, Mr. Snerdly?”
After receiving permission from Limbaugh, Mr. Snerdly nodded in agreement.
“I am buying Mr. Jackson because I am a huge football fan.This has nothing to do with politics or my political leanings.I just like the idea of owning a big, strong, untamed man, and perhaps saddling him with a wooden yoke and making him carry buckets of water to and from my home as needed.”
Steven Jackson was unavailable for comment.