WINNERS
1. Bill Belichick— Not only did his team beat a quality Ravens squad, but Belichick was the only head coach in the league who didn't appear to wear something pink — a hat, a ribbon, shoes, etc. — to mark the NFL's Breast Cancer Awareness initiative. I always suspected Belichick is pro-cancer, but now this proves it. Sure, it's an abhorrent stance for a person to take. But I admire Belichick's courage in taking it. And, who knows, maybe I don't know the whole story. Perhaps he is very active in fighting cancer. I wouldn't be surprised to hear he regularly gives breast exams to suburban MILFs.
2. Rashard Mendenhall— A week ago he was benched for not knowing his playbook. This week he was forced into action due to an injury to Willie Parker and rushed for 165 yards and two touchdowns. I can't say if he knows the plays now or just ran well through the wrong holes.
3. Detroit Lions — Wasn't last week such an amazing rush of excitement and celebration? Way to keep it special. Winning more will only cheapen the experience. But if you keep playing like you did this week, you may get to cherish that memory for the rest of the year. Oh, by the way: you play the Steelers this Sunday. You won't beat them. So don't even try. Instead, maybe cancel practice this week and do some scrapbooking. Record those memories before you forget the details.
4. Evolution— After reviewing a catch made by Mike Sims-Walker of the Jaguars in the end zone yesterday, the referee ruled it was a touchdown because Sims-Walker "got three feet down." Impressive. It wasn't long ago that receivers like Santonio Holmes were just sprouting third legs, and now they're big enough they can use them to run. What's next? Penis hands?
5. Eli Manning — Manning left yesterday's game with a heel injury. But it's not serious. And you know what injuries mean, don't you? Band-Aids! SpongeBob Band-Aids! And a trip to the ice cream shop with mom and dad for a clown sundae to make the boo-boo tears go bye-byes. Yay!
LOSERS
1. People with cancer other than breast — If you would like the NFL's support in your fight, you should really consider letting the cancer spread to your breasts. Think about it.
2. Logic — The Baltimore Ravens were not happy with the officiating in New England. Said safety Ed Reed on a 4th-and-1 try in which Ravens RB Willis McGahee was stopped short: "When Willis had his fourth-down try, it probably wouldn't have been a first [down], but it probably should have been a little closer." Why must you rob the Ravens of quarter-yards of no consequence, officials? Do you have no shame? What if Willis McGahee finishes the season with 999.75 yards? That will be on you, refs.
3. Rich Gannon — As the Cincinnati Bengals were driving for the winning score in overtime, CBS game "analyst" Rich Gannon warned them not to score too quickly lest they leave time on the clock for the Browns to score. Ha! What an idiot. Did you see how Gannon messed up there? He suggested the Browns could score! What a moron. (Also, NFL overtime is sudden death.)
4. Mark Sanchez — He looked in over his head yesterday against the Saints with four turnovers, two of which were returned or recovered for touchdowns. It was also a bad day for Jets fans, whose erections fell incomplete and were returned to their pants.
5. Tom Brady — Your former fellow team captain, Rodney Harrison, told you on national television to "take off the skirt." This is why someone as famous as you must be careful who you trust. You never should have told Harrison that Gisele makes you play dress up.
