East Valley High quarterback David Walker, a two-time Class AAAA state champion and consensus USA Today All-American, admitted to reporters today that most of the joy in his life is derived from living vicariously through his father, Edgar, a severe alcoholic.
“You get to this point in your life, and everything is just work work work,” said David. “I have just an insane number of responsibilities: class, practice, film study, bible study, extracurriculars… I barely have any time to myself. My commute is an absolute BEAR. And then I look at my dad, and he’s got the whole goddamn world in his hands.He barely has to work seven hours a day, then he can come home and drink ALL night.Even on Tuesday!
“He has NO IDEA how lucky he is,” says David, flush with bitterness. “Sometimes I just wanna shake him out of his blissful drunken slumber and smack him across the mouth.I wanna tell him to savor every moment of this.I want him to savor the fact that he divorced mom 10 years ago and is free to sleep with any cocktail waitress he chooses.I only WISH I had that kind of freedom.
“Seriously,” he added, “You should see the kind of tail he pulls.And he doesn’t even shower every day.”
David, who often puts in 20-hour days at school, is also helping his mother raise his younger brother, seven-year-old Tommy.
“Raising kids is like a second job,” he contends. “Every night I come home to something scrawled on the walls and food on the floor.You think I wouldn’t like to unwind by loosening my uniform and pouring myself a tall glass of scotch?Goddamn Dad. He doesn’t even know how good he’s got it.”
When contacted for this story, Edgar Walker was slumped over asleep on the bar at Sally's Saloon. But when awakened, he first took a swing at a reporter and then expressed a great deal of pride in David’s success.He then let out a loud belch and openly scratched his testicles in front of reporters, asking a female scribe, “Wanna see my trunk monkey?”
“He better enjoy the life he’s got now,” says David.“Because it’s not always gonna that way.One day, he’s gonna die, and then be reincarnated, and then have to play high school football, take AP Spanish, get board certified in lifeguard training, and try to maintain a long distance relationship with his girlfriend who graduated a year earlier than he did, and won’t have sex until marriage, not even oral.And all this awesomeness that is his life – the playing pool until 3AM, the drinking rye straight from the handle – it’ll all be a memory.God, I wish were a pathetic middle-aged man.I wouldn’t take it for granted for an instant.Being an overachiever BLOWS.”