Former Cuban national team pitcher Romario Marte, a recent high-profile detection to the United States, was ordered by U.S. officials today to go back to his homeland, where he will face immediate execution.
"We can't just take in anyone to this country anymore," said a U.S. immigration official who was willingly to speak on Marte's case, albeit anonymously. "Romario's fastball clocked only in the low 80s and it had little to no movement. He's going to be killed when he gets to Cuba, but he would have been killed worse by major league hitters."
Marte's status was also hurt by the fact that he reportedly lied on his application for asylum, stating that his fastball clocked in the low 90s, and that he also had a slider, curveball and some sort of Cuban version of a gyroball called a "pitch de los pendejo."
"We could have maybe overlooked the difference in fastball mph everyone who immigrates here from Latin countries fudges their fastball speed and their native league OPS," said the immigration official. "But in the throwing session I oversaw, there was no evidence for this pendejo pitch. And I don't like being taken for some ahole."
While losing the backing of immigration officials ultimately sealed Marte's fate, it was lost interest among top major league teams that set the wheels in motion towards what will be his eventual execution.
"His representatives have been reaching out to us for several years now, talking him up," said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, who was set to engage in a bidding war for Marte's services with the Red Sox and Mets. "We had the structure of a $95 million deal in place."
But when Cashman saw Marte's radar gun printouts, the deal was off.
"I can't give out $95 million in this economy for a pitcher who can only throw 83 mph," he said. "Those days are over. I could see $65 million, but not much more."
It's unlikely Marte will see that money, though, as he's in a U.S. immigration detention center in Miami, awaiting a flight back to Cuba where he will be turned over to government officials and then shot, hung and electrocuted in front of his wife and children and Fidel Castro.
"I don't want to die," Marte said through an interpreter. "I started off my throwing session by throwing my change-up, to show them I understand the intricacies of pitching. But then they take me off the mound and send me here. If only they would give me another chance, I would throw my fastball and my pitch de los pendejo."