Column Stuff You Might Have Heard
Martin Brodeur deported to New Jersey

After a disastrous showing resulted in Canada losing in Olympic hockey to the United States on its home ice, Canadian goalie Martin Brodeur has reportedly been deported from his home nation and sent to the inhospitable American penal territory called "New Jersey". There the disgraced goalie will finish out his playing career for a team called the "Devils" in the hellscape of Newark. The goalie has taken his fate in stride. "It's not as bad as you'd think," he said. "There are some decent parts, some good diners."