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Johnny Damon to commence growing a really douchey beard

With his Yankee career all but officially over, outfielder Johnny Damon says is he unsure of where he will play next. But he does know one thing: he will play with an incredibly douchey beard. "It's been tough for a guy like me playing for the Yankees the last four years with their facial hair policy," said Damon. "I missed four prime, experimental beard-growing years of my career." Damon says he has already commenced beard growth. "I'm working on mutton chops that fade into a chin strap beard that meets with a soul patch that then runs vertically down my neck, where it meets with my chest hair, which will be shaved into an Ed Hardy logo." Damon has already received a contract offer from the Philadelphia Phillies.