Column Stuff You Might Have Heard
Tonya Harding has Sasha Cohen beaten with a pipe for fun

Figure skater Sasha Cohen was bludgeoned with a pipe last night following her performance at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships. Cohen's attackers were hired by former skater Tonya Harding, who stood nearby cheering them on. "I just had a hankering for a good, old-fashioned assault-for-hire, you know?" said Harding, now 39. "That tiny girl split open just as I hoped. Screamed like an elementary school kid." Harding says she hopes to attend next month's Vancouver Olympics and have a few more skaters attacked. "Canada is nice. Real nice," she said. "I hear they got good doctors up there. I need to get some infected hemorrhoids looked at."