Column Stuff You Might Have Heard
Report: Tiger Woods had his face fixed during alien abduction

According to an e-mail forwarded to you by your Uncle Rob, Tiger Woods only had a fat lip when he met with Florida Highway Patrol officers on December 1 because the golfer had been abducted by aliens and had his mangled face fixed by their other-world technologies and methods. "This explains the latest Tiger news," your uncle wrote atop the e-mail forward. Your uncle had previously forwarded you an e-mail from a friend of his who knows the attorney of Woods' neighbor, stating that the golfer hasn't been seen in public since the accident because he needed massive reconstructive surgery from facial wounds inflicted by his wife. When you e-mailed your uncle back to ask him why Woods still had a fat lip when he met with the FHP, he responded: "Can't believe you're even asking that. Aliens are shorter than us so their doorways aren't as big. Obviously, he hit his head walking out of the spaceship."