Column Stuff You Might Have Heard
Depressed A.J. Burnett gorges himself on shaving cream pie

Yankees starter A.J. Burnett stuffed his face full of shaving cream pie last night after blowing a two-run lead in Game 5 of the ALCS with a trip to the World Series on the line. “I’m such a loser,” said the pitcher. “No one likes me. I just want to get fat and be by myself. Just me and my cats eating shaving cream pie whenever we want to. I hate myself.” Following his self-pity session, Burnett vomited up the three pies that he had eaten. “Apparently shaving cream is not really edible,” he said.