There are only a few days left until the first Saturday of the college football season and SportsPickle is counting down the top stories of 2009. Today: No. 7, Joe Paterno.
Laugh at old man Paterno if you must, but chances are he is far more productive at 82 than you will be.
Most people wanted to send Paterno to an early death panel 10 years ago. But here he is with a revitalized program and a chance to win back-to-back Big Ten titles. Sure, he may have slowed down a bit. And he's no more than a figurehead now. And he pads his win totals with an embarrassing non-conference schedule and an almost equally embarrassing conference schedule.
But those are the advantages that come with age. If your grandpa beats you at golf while playing from the gold tees, he still beat you.
And so what if Joe Paterno no longer has the same strict standards for recruits and players? Your standards and expectations change as you age. This is why old men have sex with old women. So next time one of Joe Paterno's players commits a crime, consider that 40 years from now you'll be sucking on some old woman's titties. Then you won't be so quick to judge.
All I'm saying is this: let's cherish Joe Paterno while we still can. If he races off the field on national television to use the facilities, breathe it in. (Although not literally.) And if he says something vaguely racist or sexist at a press conference, appreciate the glimpse back to a simpler, more racist and sexist time like an episode of "Mad Men." Only with less smoking. And no massive, pointy bras.
Cherish Joe Paterno. Cherish him. The likes of JoePa will not be seen again. (Unless you get glasses as powerful as his. Then, maybe. Or maybe you'll just see those saggy, disgusting, elderly breasts you'll be loving on more clearly. It's a risk.)