"Everyone, I'm sorry," said commissioner Roger Goddell, "but the term Super whoops, we have to pay him $50 million if we use that. So, I mean what we used to call The Big Game is now owned by Don's Super Bowl of Flint, Michigan."
Don's, a bowling alley operated by Flint native Don Smith, has had the "Super Bowl" name since 1943. While the league was unaware of the alley, Smith was reportedly biding his time until the rights lapsed.
"Yeah, every day I'd read that newspaper, hoping to see that the NFL was trying to renew the rights. But I never saw anything about it for a long time, until recently. I read somewhere that the league let the rights to the name lapse, so I snatched it up. Let me tell ya it's been a pretty sweet deal so far."
In an attempt to coerce him into relinquishing the rights, the NFL has offered him such perks as four free Big Game XLVII tickets, a large amount of NFL memorabilia, the chance to have a stadium or trophy named after him, personal use of Tim Tebow, and ownership of the Cleveland Browns.
Smith has so far refused all of them, but Goodell vowed to fight the battle until the league won.
"Folks, I will get your Super Bowl back. After all, it doesn't quite sound right if you're not calling it Super Bowl Sunday. Rest assured at the end of the season, we will be playing Super Bowl XLVII."
Upon remembering the $50 million rule, Goodell's eyes widened and he yelled "Oh, goddam it."