"Dadgummit, Peyton! When will you learn?" Archie yelled, after his middle son set up the Ravens to win the game with an awful interception in Denver territory. "Eli! Get over here, boy!"
Archie then plucked Eli off the couch, where he had been coloring in a Transformers coloring book, and began spanking his bottom. By the time Ravens kicker Justin Tucker's game-winning kick sailed through the uprights, little Eli was left crying in the corner of the room his mother, Olivia, trying to soothe him with an offer of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"Archie has always loved Peyton the most, everyone knows that," said Olivia. "Peyton is the most talented and Archie had the highest hopes for him. So he gets angry when Peyton fails. And he can't seem to stop from taking out that frustration on poor, little, innocent Eli."
The Manning Family patriarch said he wishes he hadn't spanked Eli.
"Peyton just tries so dang hard and can't seem to win anything unless Rex Grossman is facing him," said Archie. "And then you see Eli there with two Super Bowl rings. Eli, who is slow-witted and doesn't even like football. Eli, who would rather spend his days coloring and looking for butterflies than playing football. Eli, who has basically had only two good months in his whole career. Two Super Bowl rings. It just it just makes me so angry. I'm sorry, but I have to go spank him again."
The youngest Manning apologized to his father after the spanking.
"Dad, I'm sorry I can't be as good at football playing as Peyton," he said. "I'm sorry my football team won those shiny trophies. I didn't mean to."
"You can't help that you were born like you are," said Archie. "It's not your fault. I just hope you know that when I'm hitting you, I'm really hitting Peyton. He's the one I care about."