"Mr. Fisher admitted to poisoning the pontiff in a phone call to a popular sports radio program in the South," said the lead FBI agent on the case, Mike Townsend. "He said it was 'to do to the head Notre Dame guy what Alabama is going to do to Notre Dame on the field.' That's a paraphrase. He spoke in a heavy Southern accent that required us to get an interpreter to determine exactly what was said. All that was clear to me was when he said 'Roll damn Tide.'"
Law enforcement officials are now interrogating Fisher, a part-time raccoon groomer, about his poisoning claims. Vatican officials were contacted to report the poisoning and check on the state of the Pope.
"We aren't sure yet if he has been poisoned or what the effects might be," said a Vatican spokesman. "He's really old. It's hard to tell what could be the result of poison and what could be just what comes with being almost 86 years old. He seems pale and frail. Is that cause for alarm? He looked that way yesterday, too, and the day before that. I guess we'll just wait and see."
Investigators are hopeful that Fisher, who has a tattoo of Bear Bryant's face over top of his own face, did not actually poison the leader of the Catholic church.
"We have found that he is an incredibly dumb man," said agent Townsend. "So far we think he thinks he poisoned the pope, but he may have just poured vinegar all over a garden gnome with a big red hat. It's also unlikely he poisoned the pope because he doesn't have a passport and has never even left the state of Alabama a fact which seems to give him great pride."