"We were hoping this would be the Olympics that would do it, but just one glance at the front page of the newspaper this morning showed me that the entire world is going to hell in a handbasket," Ban Ki-moon, Secretary-General of the United Nations. "We're completely fked."
While the interlocking Olympic rings represent the unity of all nations and the Games' fortnight is to halt war across the world, most feel the Olympics just motivate humans to kill each other more.
"All the Olympics does is promote nationalism and cause a lot of murderous and genocidal rage to get pent up until the Games are over, upon which all that explodes in bloodshed and actual explosions the moment the cauldron is extinguished," said IOC president Jacques Rogge. "But, hey, the idea of the Olympics is nice even if it doesn't work in practice."
Arab Spring protesters and rioters said the Olympics did nothing to dampen their bloodlust.
"In fact, it made me radicalized," said Mahir Ganzouri, an Egyptian rioter chucking a rock at a police car. "I was a calm guy. Not violent. But then they're trying to tell us that dressage and rhythmic gymnastics and table tennis and all that crap are real sports? Nah. Screw that. Someone needs to die."