Residents in Blackford and Delaware counties recount an unruly night of corn trampling and livestock taunting that destroyed literally hundreds of dollars worth of crops and left at least one duck dead.
"Yup, someone done gone decapitated a duck with a subsoiler," said Clint Neel, sheriff and assistant faith healer of Fairmount. "The duck was pretty drunk, though, so I figger he was just as much to blame."
Police were mostly helpless to contain the disorder, with about half of their interceptor tractors on loan to departments downstate. While several of the alleged rioters were taken into custody, they were promptly released when officers couldn't find the Master Lock to keep them in the bandit closet.
Further, police responded to a scene in Muncie where locals were reportedly firing pistols into the air and making advances on horses, but this only turned out to be a birthday party for a nine-year-old girl.
Once news of the riots made its way to the big city, Pacers officials were quick to denounce the rioting in a statement that went out in a telegraph Friday morning.
"ATTENTION YOKELS: WHY DON'T Y'ALL GET BACK IN THE KITCHIN AND FIX UP SUMPIN TO EAT. AIN'T NO NEED TO WORRY, WHAT WITH ANDREW LUCK COMIN' TO REPLACE OUR SAVIOR PEYTON. GOOD TIMES IS A-COMIN."
Larry Bird, the team's president of basketball operations, did not respond to requests for comments on the situation. Instead he sat wordlessly on a rocking chair outside the team's stadium, blowing a mournful tune into a hollow jug.