Eagles head coach Andy Reid and owner Jeffrey Lurie say they are terrified that their controversial new player signed his contract with the team in dog's blood.
"It was a dark red ink," said Reid.
"And a really strange consistency," added Lurie.
"Also, he dipped his quill pen into a an ink container labeled DOG'S BLOOD and then signed the contract with it," continued Reid.
"Yeah, that part raised some flags with me, as well," said Lurie.
Team management says they still support Vick, even though they are growing more and more certain that his new two-year contract may now contain DNA evidence of a crime.
"Michael says he has changed, Tony Dungy and Roger Goodell vouched for him and he served his time," said Reid. "That's good enough for me. Still, though I'm positive that was dog blood. There has to be some sort of explanation for this."
"Michael Vick is a changed man," said the owner. "He looked me in the eye and said he has changed. My guess for the explanation and this may sound far-fetched is that he used to use dog blood ink back when he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing. And he probably had some leftover ink and thought it would be a symbolic way to turn the page and show that he has blood on his hands. Right? That's the only explanation, no? It was old ink."
"The fk it was," he said. "That wasn't old dog blood. That sh!t was fresh. Do you have any idea how quickly dog blood ink dries up and is unusable? Like, two days. Three max. I killed a dog on the way in here to get me that ink. Right outside the stadium."
"Ohmigod!" exclaimed Lurie. "Where's my Ginger?! Has anyone seen Ginger?"