"It is with great pleasure today that I announce Augusta National Golf Club has offered a place here to two breast implants I call them Mandy and Sheila," said club chairman Billy Payne. "We feel they will fit in perfectly with our members."
Payne stressed that the change in the club's membership bylaws was not due to outside pressure on the club to admit its first female member.
"We remain fairly insulated from outside pressures, from membership concerns to advertising," said Payne. "But internally, our members have long wanted to have some tits to look at here without bringing in, you know, an actual woman. We feel the implants accomplish that goal."
Payne bristled at suggestions that Augusta's latest membership offer is crass or degrading.
"Augusta National Golf Club operates with the height of decorum," said Payne. "It should be noted that the breast implants are C-cup size implants. These are not double-D stripper-sized titties. We are classier than that."
Despite Payne's extension of membership to breast implants, not all Augusta members are happy with the club's change in membership.
"I know this isn't what I wanted," said a current member who wished to remain anonymous. "I'm more of an ass man. I would have liked to see something along those lines. And call me a liberal if you want, but I would even be okay if we got some whores in here. Some of the holes on this course are pretty stressful. A hummer in the azaleas would help us male members relax."