Joe Montana for Skechers Shape-Ups, Jimmy Johnson for ExtenZe penis pills — they are the current examples of embarrassing athlete commercials.
But do they even crack the list of the 20 most hilariously awful athlete ads of all-time?
#1 — Pete Rose’s SUPERCHARG’R Energy Bar
Don’t have the necessary energy to call in a bet on the baseball team you’re managing? You know what you need? Carob! In the late 70s and early 80s Charlie Hustle endorsed the SUPERCHARG’R Energy Bar, a snack that was so cram-packed with energy that it didn’t even have time for all of its vowels.
Of course, since we’re talking about Rose, there was a bit of sleazy misdirection at play. The bar’s wrapper touted the carob-coated treat as “nature’s answer to candy,” but it also listed the snack’s ingredients. First on the list? That most natural of ingredients: high fructose corn syrup. Candy historians have speculated that the bar finally died off after a disastrous “Send in 10 Wrappers, Get a Free Pete Rose Haircut” promotion.
As part of Rose’s continuing commitment to serving children healthy snacks, he also endorsed Kool-Aid:
#2 — Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania
At the height of his fame in 1995, Hulk Hogan decided it was time to start a new world order of family pasta restaurants, apparently banking on the notion that people like their marinara with a side of leg drops. Sure, it sounds like an awful idea, but least Hogan had the good sense to open his pasta joint in an Italian-American hotbed like … the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota?
Despite offering dishes with names like Hulk-U’s and Hulk-A-Roos (and we can only assume Hulk-A-Ccine Hulk-fredo), Pastamania couldn’t even stay in business for a year. The restaurant’s failure no doubt freed up time for Hogan to get back to work on what was really important to him: having orange skin and finally (we hope) writing a prequel to Suburban Commando.
#3 — Michael Jordan’s Slam Bowling Ball
His crossover into baseball was such a smashing success, why wouldn’t Michael Jordan try to branch out into even more sports? Sports he never even played? First stop: bowling. In 1998, Jordan partnered with AMF Bowling to produce the Michael Jordan Slam bowling ball, possibly as part of a six-figure bet with Charles Oakley that fans would buy literally any crap Jordan endorsed. The ball was orange, had grooves like a basketball, and was embossed with “23.” (Someone must have stayed up all night coming up with such an inspired idea. Michael Jordan has a bowling ball that looks like a basketball, the sport he plays professionally!)
Astute readers are saying to themselves: “Wait, bowling balls don’t have grooves!” The American Bowling Conference thought the same thing and refused to sanction Jordan’s grooved ball. Since league bowlers – the only people who really buy bowling balls – couldn’t use Jordan’s orange monstrosity, the product quickly tanked and fell out of the market. Today, the MJ Slam is remembered as “the Kwame Brown of bowling equipment.”
#4 — Joe Namath for Beautymist Pantyhose
In 1974 Joe Namath decided to use his considerable fame to endorse Beautymist pantyhose in a stomach-churning commercial that showcased Broadway Joe’s legs in the stockings. Even for a man who was known for wearing gigantic fur coats, these spots felt disturbing. Go ahead, try watching this without getting just a little uncomfortable. We dare you:
The over/under on “Times Chad Ochocinco Has Photoshopped This Picture and Hung It in the Locker Room” is 4.2 million. Bet the over. You’ll win so much money you’ll never be forced to blow hot dogs for money.
#6 — John McEnroe for Bic Razors
On the surface, having John McEnroe endorse a product during the 80s seemed like a great idea. He won seven Slams. He had a larger-than-life personality. What Bic failed to realize, though, was that a 30-second spot for its razors was at least 25 seconds too long for McEnroe’s meager acting abilities. (Also, putting a bladed item, no matter how small, in the hands of a man with an anger problem is a questionable call at best.) Meanwhile, rival Bjorn Borg still shaves in the traditional manner: using a team of highly trained elves from his native Sweden.
We can’t find a Dale and Thomas commercial, so please accept this humble substitute: Isiah shilling for Toyota in 1991. It’s possibly the only time you’ll see someone (other than James Dolan) use positive terms to describe Isiah without being sarcastic.
Lousy Bonds. Hank Aaron would never have done that spot. He ate his fro-yo the right way. On a cone. With sprinkles. Rainbow sprinkles.
#14 — Dennis Rodman for Japanese Dunlop Tires
There is a very slight chance that if you actually spoke Japanese, this commercial featuring a Bull-era Dennis Rodman dunking and dribbling a Dunlop tire might make sense. It probably still wouldn’t, though. It takes a lot for something to be called “weird even for Japan,” but this one does it. We’re still not sure how Dunlop talked Akira Kurosawa into directing it. Free tires for his Dodge Caravan, probably.
#15 — Doug Flutie for English Leather and Remington
When you think of well-shaved faces, your thoughts naturally turn to Doug Flutie. Perhaps that’s why he was apparently the leading shaving endorser of the 80s. The tiny QB appeared in a Remington shaver commercial with Remington president and CEO (and later New England Patriors owner) Victor Kiam in which he had just one line: “Mr. Kiam, I hate shaving.”
What do you do after you’re done shaving with your Remington Microscreen? Slap on some English Leather and throw pillows at your wife. Nothing turns a woman on more than being pelted with housewares.
In his heyday, Magic Johnson was downright Jordan-esque in his shamelessness when it came to endorsements. While it’s tough to pick the most ridiculous ad Magic did, this 1991 spot for KFC has to be in the running for two reasons: one, he’s a selfish prick who won’t share his chicken, and two, the ad is almost certainly responsible for the persistent stereotype that HIV-positive people can breathe fire.
Fortunately, Flair eventually found an even safer place for wrestling fans to invest their money: the lottery!
Alzado was an endorser of almost unlimited range, though. Check him out endorsing Wheel Magic, a wheel cleaner. Remember that people were shocked, SHOCKED to learn that Alzado was on steroids when he came out in the early 90s. It’s not like you could tell just by looking at his forty-four inch biceps.
