A day at NFL Training Camp isn't that different from a day at the summer camps you used to go to as a kid (or still go to as a "counselor" if you're a creepy, unemployed townie).
TODAY'S CAMP SCHEDULE
8:00 a.m. – Breakfast
Parents/Agents: Please inform the camp nurse if your player has any food allergies or takes steroids via needle.
8:45 a.m. – Cabin Cleaning
Rookies only! Rookies may not participate in camp activities until all veteran cabins are spotless and stripper bodies are disposed of properly.
9:15 a.m. – Hiking
Join your head coach for morning announcements and an inspirational trek up to the top of nearby Mount Cliché! You can do it! Take one step at a time! Achieve!
10:45 a.m. – Arts & Crafts
Campers will break into groups of 11 and, using only a bit of leather and a playbook, attempt to create beautiful and intricate plays.
Noon – Lunch
Today’s menu: Hot dogs, hamburgers, fries, painkillers and anti-inflammatories.
1:00 p.m. – Team-Building Activity
Today: Trust falls. Selected players with non-guaranteed contracts will have their assumed financial security pulled out from under them by management.
2:00 p.m. – Communication Time
Campers may use this time to send postcards home, Twitter, or complain to the media.
2:30 p.m. – Physical Fitness
All campers will report to the lower field and jog lightly every once in a while when a whistle is blown.
3:30 p.m. – Movie Time
Enjoy today’s film: “How To Pick Up A Weak Side Blitz From The MAC Linebacker”, as narrated by a position coach.
4:15 p.m. – Free Time
Video games. (Kicking and punting campers: Your free time extends all day.)
5:30 p.m. – Dinner
The ice cream sundae bar and purple drank machine will be open for dessert.
6:30 p.m. – Assembly
Listen as the head coach touches on many of the same inspirational points he made earlier in the day on the trip up Mount Cliché! Repetition breeds success! Repetition breeds success!
7:30 p.m. – Talent Show
Campers will compete in throwing footballs for distance from their knees, catching passes one-handed and other amazing football skills that have no practical application to games.
8:30 p.m. – Showers
All campers must shower. No homo.
9:00 p.m. Scary Stories Around the Campfire!
Tonight we will be reading “Tales of ACL Tears and a 2011 Lockout”!!! Bwaaah-ha-haaaa!!! (Also, the campfire may be more of a joint.)
10:30 p.m. Lights Out!
No campers may have more than three women in their bed!