Scene: Backstage following the Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony …
- – - – -
George Brett: Great speech, Andre.
Andre Dawson: Thanks, man. It’s such an honor to be a member of the Hall of Fame.
Brett: Well, you’re not really a member yet.
Dawson: What? What do you mean?
Hank Aaron: The ceremony is just for the public. It’s a show. But you don’t really get into the Hall of Fame until you get through our hazing ritual.
Dawson: Hazing ritual?
Joe Morgan: Yeah. Get down on all fours.
Dawson: What? No. I don’t want to do that.
Wade Boggs: Do it, Dawson. It’s the only way. Get down on all fours and drop your pants.
Dawson: But … okay. Just … just please don’t do anything really weird or painful, okay?
Jim Bunning: We’ll do what has to be done. Shut your mouth and take it.
Dawson: Oh, God. No. Not Jim Bunning. Please, guys, Not Bunning. He’s crazy.
Yogi Berra: Stop talking, Dawson. 110-percent of getting a Louisville Slugger shoved up your pooper is mental. The other half is talking.
Dawson: What?! What does that even mean? That makes no sense at all? Please! Please, guys, don’t do this!
Ryne Sandberg: Gaylord! Bring the Vaseline over.
Dawson: Ryne! Please, man. Please. We were teammates. Friends. Please don’t let this happen.
Rickey Henderson: Oh, it’s going to happen, Andre Dawson. It happened to Rickey Henderson and Rickey Henderson took it, so you better believe it’s going to happen to you – that’s as sure as Rickey Henderson is Rickey Henderson.
Dawson: YOU’RE Rickey Henderson.
Rickey Henderson: Rickey Henderson knows that!
Robin Yount: Enough stalling, Dawson. Don't try to waste time with the Rickey Henderson third-person riddle. This is happening now.
Sandy Koufax: Hand me the bat, Yogi. And stop crying, Dawson, or I’ll shove the fat end up there.
Dawson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [He passes out.]
- – - – - – -
Several hours later, Dawson wakes up on the floor.
Dawson: Oh my God. I had the worst dream.
janitor: Umm … I don’t think it was a dream. Looks like you have a bat shoved up your ass.
Dawson: Yes, I know that. I can feel that there’s a bat in my ass. How could I not?
janitor: Oh. Then what was your bad dream?
Dawson: It was about snakes. Hey, do you think you could help me pull this bat out of my ass? I'm going to use it to beat Ryne Sandberg to death.
janitor: Sure. No problem.
End scene.
