Despite a name that would suggest it would feature nothing but stars, Major League Baseball will reportedly include three Toronto Blue Jays players in this week's All-Star Game, a move that could possibly undermine the entire event.
The Blue Jay players selected for the game are Vernon Wells, Jose Bautista and John Buck. The MLB office insists all three are actual people and not made up players with fictional names.
"All three players are very deserving of recognition," said commissioner Bud Selig. "And, in fact, we have been featuring non-stars in the All-Star Game for years," he added, producing records showing that in years past, players from the Pittsburgh Pirates, Kansas City Royals, Baltimore Orioles and other decidedly non-star-laden teams have participated.
And while the Selig's claims appear to be true, those teams that no one cares about usually only get one player in the game, not three.
"I feel really awkward being here," said Bautista, who is reportedly Toronto's third baseman. "Me? Playing alongside guys like Derek Jeter and Albert Pujols? It's humiliating. I was once let go by the Pirates. This is even worse for my self-esteem."
Selig believes that including non-marquee players like Bautista in the All-Star Game will help sell them to a large audience. But Buck, Bautista's teammate and a supposed catcher, thinks that is an ill-conceived notion.
"Trust me, I play with us every day," said Buck. "We are not very good. All this could do is embarrass us if and when we make several errors and strikeout."
The commissioner says he will consider changing the name to the Some-Stars Game during the offseason owners meetings, which reportedly and absurdly will include the owners of the Blue Jays, Pirates, Orioles and Royals.