Citing a lack of locker room cohesion caused by “somepeople” being complete dweebs, several of the popular players on the San Francisco Giants have decided to hold a “Cool Players Only” meeting to address the situation.
“We gave out invitations during batting practice so everyone could see who’s chill and who isn’t," said starting pitcher Barry Zito, a total dreamboat who everyone agrees is the most popular player on the team. “It’s gonna be pretty cool, I stole some of my Mom’s whiskey and Tim Lincecum’s getting cough syrup. We’ll probably get totally wasted.”
Parents of several uninvited players were upset to learn about what had happened, and have voiced their displeasure to the media and Giants brass.
“Guys can be so harsh at that age," said Juanita Mota, mother of reliever Guillermo Mota. “You don’t really think about others feelings when you’re that young, but stuff like this can be damaging psychologically to someone in their mid-30s.”
Giants General Manager Brian Sabean has had to defend himself after coming under fire for allowing the meeting to take place in his office.
“Look, these guys are going to drink whether we want them to or not. And I’d rather have them doing that stuff somewhere where I can supervise and know they’re okay.”