Despite featuring a roster full of household names, England's World Cup quidditch team failed to live up to the massive expectations placed on it and was bounced out of the tournament yesterday in a crushing defeat to Germany.
"It's incredibly disappointing," said team captain Harry Potter. "We invented this sport. We expect to win. But we just can't break through on the international stage."
Potter has been famous since starring at the prestigious Hogwarts school and has been propped up by the English media and public as the hope for bringing home the World Cup of Quidditch title that England has desired for so long. But with the loss, the British tabloids have turned against him with headlines like "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Failure" and "Half-Blood, No Heart."
The World Cup elimination ends a turbulent period for the English squad. Their first match against the United States ended in a tie when Robert Green yielded a goal by suddenly and inexplicably forgetting how to fly. Before the tournament there was the sex-fueled love triangle scandal involving Potter, his teammate Ron Weasley and the beautiful Hermione Granger. And, of course, all this took place while Potter was busy saving the wizarding world and fighting against Lord Voldemort and his plot to subjugate Muggles.
"I'm not going to make excuses," said Potter. "We needed to execute better. Me included. As team Seeker, I can't keep crashing into the ground."
While Potter is still relatively young and should be on the next World Cup team in four years, England's failure has set him on the path of other English sports stars such as David Beckham, Tim Henman and Wayne Rooney whose careers ended up being more about hype than results.
"If I could give one suggestion to Harry, it would be this," said Beckham. "Don't get caught up in all the outside distractions. Focus on your sport. There is time for that stuff later. The world will still be here to save after your career is over. Probably."