"I am happy that the process has cleared my name," said Braun. "However, as you can imagine, the entire ordeal has been incredibly stressful. It has been hard for me to eat or work out due to all of the mental anguish. So I'd say I've lost a good 30 pounds of muscle."
Braun dismissed those who might suggest a drop in production this year or loss of weight would suggest he was using performance enhancers earlier in his career. When asked that question, he quickly consulted with his attorney in a whisper and then returned to the microphone: "To that I would say: 'Haters gonna hate.'"
With doubts still lingering around the reigning National League MVP, the Braun issue has again cast the shadow of steroids over all of Major League Baseball and the sport's testing process.
Reports have surfaced that one league tester found numerous cups of urine in the back of his refrigerator.
"Somehow they got pushed behind a pickle jar," said a league source. "There's a Jose Bautista sample, a David Ortiz one. How long until urine expires?"
Preliminary testing of the Bautista sample has found it tests positive for massive amounts of sandwich mustard.
"That's a new drug we weren't aware of," said the source. "Although there is some concern that it may have been victim of cross-refrigerator contamination."