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Patriots Fire Longtime Director of Football Cheating

The New England Patriots today announced they have parted ways with David Granger, the team’s Director of Football Cheating since 2000, and the man thought by many to be the ... Continue Reading →
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Marshawn Lynch’s Single-Minded Focus on Football Causing a Distraction at the Super Bowl

Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch has been generated countless headlines this week for wanting to focus on Sunday’s Super Bowl game.  Continue Reading →
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God to Handle Play-Calling Duties for Seahawks in the Super Bowl

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson revealed today that God, creator of the universe, will call the plays for the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX against the New England Patriots. ... Continue Reading →

Bill Belichick Excited to Unveil His Latest Scientific Research on a Memory-Erasing Device

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick says he has really grown to love science since spending a day last week with team staffers testing the PSI of footballs in various temperatures. ... Continue Reading →
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Rogue Patriots Ball Boy Said to Have Been Influenced by Deflating Video Games and Rap Music About Deflation

The rogue ball boy who single-handedly took it upon himself to deflate the New England Patriots footballs for years without the knowledge of head coach Bill Belichick or star quarterback ... Continue Reading →
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NFL Threatens to Fine Media Members Who Ask Marshawn Lynch Cliched or Pointless Questions

The NFL warned media members at the Super Bowl this week that they will receive heavy fines for stupid, cliched or pointless questions directed at Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn ... Continue Reading →
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UGGs Drops Tom Brady as QB Hits Most Humiliating Low in Human History

Embattled New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has been dropped by women’s shoe manufacturer UGGs, hitting what many are calling the lowest low and person could ever reach. Continue Reading →
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Tom Brady Hopeful His Legacy as a Cheater Isn’t Forever Tainted by Being a Liar

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady addressed allegations at a press conference Thursday that he played in the AFC Championship Game with illegally deflated footballs. Continue Reading →
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NASCAR to Honor Retiring Jeff Gordon with Farewell Tour of Booing and Gay Slurs

NASCAR star Jeff Gordon announced today that the 2015 season will be his last, and NASCAR wasted no time in deciding to honor the four-time circuit champion with a farewell tour. Continue Reading →
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BREAKING: Patriots Banned from Super Bowl After NFL Determines They Didn’t Deflate Balls with NFL’s Official Brand of Air Pump

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the New England Patriots will be banned from Super Bowl XLIX against the Seahawks after a league investigation determined the team deflated ... Continue Reading →
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Bill Belichick vows “swift justice” for whoever failed to deflate 12th football

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick said today that he is just as upset and angry as everyone else is over the latest news about his team, and will make sure there is “swift ... Continue Reading →
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Glendale, Ariz., Residents Say They’d be Okay with a Giant Fireball Destroying Patriots-Seahawks Super Bowl

Although they realize that a giant fireball wiping out University of Phoenix Stadium and Super Bowl XLIX could mean the end of their own lives, residents of Glendale, Ariz., say they ... Continue Reading →
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Honest NFL Headlines: Conference Championships

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Brash Gronkowski Vows: “I have learned all the rules on what constitutes a completed catch”

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski made one of the boldest claims in NFL history today, saying he has read and completely comprehends all of the NFL rules on what constitutes ... Continue Reading →
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Report: Millions of Hopeless Morons Reading an NFL Mock Draft in Mid-January

According to Internet traffic metrics, millions of absolute dipshits have spent time in the days since the college football season ended reading prediction columns for how all the ... Continue Reading →
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New Bills Coach Rex Ryan Guarantees Jets Will Win the Super Bowl

Rex Ryan was introduced as the new head coach of the Buffalo Bills on Wednesday and immediately displayed his trademark personality, boldly guaranteeing again that the New York Jets ... Continue Reading →

Report: New Coach to be a Big Improvement Over Old Coach

According to team sources, the coach just hired to replace the old coach while be significantly better at coaching. Continue Reading →
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Ohio State’s 4th String QB Expected to Go No. 1 Overall in NFL Draft

Despite having never played in a game at the collegiate level, Ohio State’s fourth-string quarterback has become the odds-on candidate to go No. 1 overall in the 2015 NFL Draft. Continue Reading →