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According to reports out of San Francisco Giants spring training, team closer Brian Wilson is sporting a large, black beard.

“Yes, the beard,” said Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval. “I noticed there was hair growing out of his face. He still seems really proud of it.”

Giants pitcher Ryan Vogelsong corroborated that report.

“It is thick and darkly colored,” said the starter. “I don’t know where he comes up with it. Well, no. I guess I do. He just doesn’t shave. Man. Hilarious. Hilarious with the not shaving. What a character!”

Giants pitchers and catchers reported to training camp last weekend and Wilson immediately established his authority in the locker room.

“Whoa. Brohims. Hear this now, remember it always. The area you see before you is designated solely for the beard, El Bearderino, the Beard Dog,” he said, drawing an imaginary circle around his locker. “None shall cross it lest they find themselves in a world of black ops pain.”

“Next, some rules on how you and yours shall approach me for autographing your valuables,” Wilson continued talking, despite all of his teammates filing out of the locker room to the field to begin stretching.

Greg Oden’s NBA career is over. After the star-crossed Portland Trail Blazers big man had yet another knee operation this week that resulted in unexpected microfracture surgery, the 2007 No. 1 overall pick instructed doctors to cut his legs clean off below the hip this morning.

“I’m happier than I have been in years now that I made this decision to move on from traditional basketball and focus on a career in the National Wheelchair Basketball Association,” said Oden before boing under the knife. “I am excited for a fresh start as an athlete.”

Oden says he made the decision because he was tired of sitting on the sidelines during his athletic prime.

“I’m 24 years-old now. I’ve barely played in a game since I was 21,” he said. “And there is no end in sight to the surgeries. But on the wheelchair court I can immediately utilize my strength, arm length and shooting touch. It was an easy decision for me.”

While Oden went into surgery in a positive mood, doctors dread telling him what they found during the dual amputation.

The Washington Redskins football team is facing heavy criticism today over reports that it has openly been using a term seen as offensive to many Native Americans since the franchise’s founding in 1932.

“I would like to apologize to anyone that we offended on behalf of the entire Washington Redskins organization,” said team owner Daniel Snyer. “I mean, not the Redskins organization. Umm … the whole NFL football franchise based here in Washington, D.C. I have reviewed the situation, and the offensive term was only used 2,346,187 times by members of this franchise. It is our hope that it never happens again, at least until after we get around to possibly changing the name.”

Snyder said that the franchise has thought about changing its team name in the past, but other issues have always pushed it to the back-burner.

“We’ve also asked around and not everyone or even every Native American finds ‘Redskins’ offensive, so that should count for something,” said Snyder. “Whoops. I said it again. Push that number up to 2,346,188.”

These are busy times at the KFC franchise on Palm Beach Avenue in Fort Myers, Florida. Boston Red Sox pitcher and catchers are on their way to spring training in the town and coming soon behind them will be the team’s position players. The restaurant is hiring new staffers and training them up in preparation for the coming rush.

“Late February through the end of the March is by far our busiest time,” said KFC franchise manager Dale Dedmond. “And it’s all thanks to the lazy, gluttonous pig-men of the Boston Red Sox who love our food so much.”

Fort Myers has three KFC franchises, but the Palm Beach Avenue location gets the only boost in sales because “the players are obviously too lazy to go to any other KFC than the one that is the absolute closest, which is luckily mine,” says Dedmond. “They roll up on their Rascal scooters and we just hand buckets of fried chicken to them out the door and off they go, bones trailing behind them.”

With “Linsanity” gripping the entire NBA, New York Knicks management has become especially excited.

“I honestly don’t think it’s possible to mess this one up, which is the first time I’ve felt that way about running a team,” said New York Knicks owner, James Dolan, who also released a public statement asking that he be referred to in the media as Jimmy Do-Lin. “Jeremy Lin is just so good and the team is absolutely flourishing around him. The guys actually look like they’re having fun out there — not just making millions to play a game. Even Coach D’Antoni is smiling. I haven’t seen him this happy since I jokingly told him we weren’t going to pursue Carmelo Anthony.”

Dolan — or Do-Lin, as he is now called — said that having a young, franchise point guard at the league minimum salary is something most team’s would dream of.

“But I don’t want to stand pat,” he said. “We can always improve, so that’s why I put in a call to see if Isiah Thomas would be interested in coaching to put us over the top. He didn’t pick up. He probably was worried I was calling to ask him to listen to my band’s latest single. But I’ll keep calling him. That said, Mike’s job is probably safe as long as we don’t lose another game.”

Colts owner Jim Irsay brushed off charges today that his intent to have snipers positioned in, around and on Lucas Oil Stadium for his upcoming meeting with Peyton Manning suggests he is looking to have the quarterback assassinated.

“That couldn’t be more off-base,” said Irsay. “I’ve never explicitly told anyone to take a shot at Peyton. I made sure of that. You can’t find one instance of me telling them personally to shoot him in the head or in the heart — or the stomach, which would be a more painful way to die, of course.”

Irsay is scheduled to meet with Manning next week to discuss the quarterback’s future with the team. Manning is scheduled to arrive outside the stadium and then be led through a dark tunnel area with no escape in which he will only be visible from above.

“To even imply that he will be led into a quote-unquote ‘shooting gallery’ is irresponsible. It’s merely a dark hallway,” said Irsay. “Do people sometimes get shot in hallways? Sure. But it’s far from a kill zone, in which he will be completely exposed and defenseless for 13 to 16 seconds.”

Riding a six-game win streak behind new superstar Jeremy Lin, the New York Knicks assigned Carmelo Anthony to their D-League affiliate in Erie, the team announced Wednesday.

“Carmelo no longer has an obvious role on this team,” head coach Mike D’Antoni said, “and we thought he would benefit from getting regular minutes.”

The Knicks were just 10-12 with Anthony in the lineup and had been struggling since acquiring the once-superstar from Denver last season. However, Lin — the second-year player who was undrafted out of Harvard — has turned their season around, much to the delight of his teammates.

“I love playing with Jeremy so much,” said star forward Amar’e Stoudemire. “He’s way better than that guy who used to play for us. Carson? Carmax? What was his name again? Cancer?”

Anthony, who is recovering from an injured groin, is taking his demotion in stride.

Former NFL receiver Randy Moss has announced that he plans to return to the NFL in 2012. Moss last played for three NFL teams two years ago and posted career lows in catches and reception yards. But after a year away from the game, Moss — now 35 years-old — said “the fire still burns” to “make millions and millions of dollars and be very wealthy.”

“Being away from the game this past season was tough,” he said. “I’d check my bank account and there wouldn’t be any six-figure sums deposited into it. That’s when I knew that I loved football.”

The former Vikings, Raiders, Patriots, Vikings again and Titans receiver says he wants to make the most of his abilities while he still can.

“God gives you certain gifts and it’s up to you to make the most money as possible off of them,” said Moss. “I don’t want to look back 10 years from now, broke and think: ‘Damn, I could’ve made another $15 million had I stuck around.’ Those are the kind of regrets that stick with a man. Especially because teams have always been willing to pay me a lot of money even though I barely even try out on the field. It was an easy choice. I do almost nothing and get rich. It’s found money. Oh, and the love of football and stuff.”

The top-ranked Kentucky Wildcats proved again that they are the most talented team in the nation with a 20-point destruction of 8th ranked Florida on Tuesday night, running their record to 24-1, including 10-0 in the SEC.

“I don’t want to speak to soon, because there’s a long way still to go and anything can happen,” said Kentucky head coach John Calipari. “But I think this team can ultimately be the most disappointing team I’ve ever had, which would really be saying something.”

Barring injury to a star player or an unexpected slump, the Wildcats should enter the NCAA Tournament in March as a heavy favorite. Kentucky has won 16 in a row — and its last seven by an average margin of 20 points.

“I don’t know how we’ll blow it, but I’m pretty confident that we will,” said Calipari. “Most likely I’ll play an integral role with some curious late-game decision making. What exactly? There’s no way to know. That’s what makes it all so exciting. All I do know is that sometime in late March or early April, I’m going to ruin another pair of $3,000 suit pants by shatting in them.”

A huge crowd filled the streets of Manhattan today as the New York Giants paraded through the city to celebrate their fourth Super Bowl championship.

The Giants were met with shouts of “You suck!”, “I hate you!”, “Die in a fire, a-holes!” and much worse during their several hours atop parade floats.

The Super Bowl XLVI champions also received many cheers of support from the New Yorkers lining the streets, but as NYPD commissioner Raymond Kelly explained, “angry drunks are much louder than happy drunks. So all the Jets fans drowned out the Giants fans. As you can imagine, Jets fans are pretty angry.”

After reaching the AFC Championship Game each of the past two seasons, Jets head coach Rex Ryan predicted a Super Bowl title for his team in 2011. But the Jets missed the playoffs and saw their hometown rival Giants win their second title in five years.

“Get AIDS, Eli!” yelled Jets owner Woody Johnson when the parade float carrying Giants quarterback Eli Manning passed by. “I hope your neck breaks off, too, just like your ugly, choking brother!”, he added as he hurled a brick at the Super Bowl MVP.