"Orb has really be down since we mentioned where we were going to him in his stall," said trainer Shug McGaughey. "I had no idea that even horse had a bad impression of Baltimore, but I guess they do. Hopefully he can snap out of it and get his energy back for the race."
Stuart Janney III, the horse's owner, says he has tried to tell Orb that Baltimore is not as bad as its reputation.
"All cities have their warts," said Janney. "I told Orb about the aquarium there and, you know, the baseball stadium and some decent neighborhoods, probably. But apparently one of our stall hands is a big fan of 'The Wire' and talks about it all the time. So no matter what I say, Orb thinks we're basically taking him to hell."
"So, she might call me?" said a hungover Kane today before Chicago's morning skate. "And her name is Lady Byng? I couldn't remember who it was I was with at the bar last night. I thought it was like Britney or Brandi or something. All I knew was that she was hot and her tongue tasted like gin."
Kane took a drink from talking to throw up in his locker before continuing.
"Lady Byng. That sounds like some sort of royal name or something, right? Guys, I might be hooking up with a princess or some shit," he said, getting high-fives from his teammates. "Maybe she has a castle. I'd be set for life, bro."
Kane's moment of happiness was ruined, however, when a reporter informed him that the Lady Byng is a trophy given to the NHL player who most exhibits gentlemanly play.
"We haven't lost in weeks," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "And if you look at the Western Conference, we're in as good a shape as almost anyone. I'm not counting us out until the season is over."
The presumed Western Conference champion, the Oklahoma City Thunder, is on the brink of elimination thanks to Russell Westbrook's injury, the Spurs are as old as the Lakers, the Warriors are inexperienced and star guard Steph Curry is battling injury, and the Memphis Grizzlies are led by Pau Gasol's little brother.
"I like our position," said Lakers point guard Steve Nash. "I'm getting healthier every day and Kobe should be able to walk in a few weeks. We can do this."
"J.R. did a lot of great things for us during the regular season and there were times I thought maybe he should be in the game right from the opening tip as a starter," said Knicks head coach Mike Woodson. "But now I am positive he is a bench player. In fact, he's the kind of player I'd like to have as a twelfth man."
In addition to missing almost every shot he takes, Smith has also come off the bench to provide the Knicks with turnovers, fouls and mental mistakes.
"I just try to fill up the stat sheet any way I can," said Smith. "I have to make the best of the limited opportunities I have to play. Especially now because I feel like my opportunities to play are going to become increasingly limited."
"It's just the dearest thing," said Stern. "I almost want to pinch Marc Gasol's fat cheeks."
Despite Memphis looking like the clearly superior team through the first four games of the series, Stern says he has put out the order to his officials that "under no circumstances" are the Grizzlies to close out the series.
"Both Los Angeles teams lost in the first round, Brooklyn lost, Boston lost, Chicago is on the way out, the Knicks are losing. I can't lose all of those big markets and a star of Kevin Durant's caliber," said Stern. "I mean, let's be reasonable here. I didn't build this league to where it is by giving people NBA Finals featuring the Memphis Grizzlies and Indiana Pacers. Nobodies versus nobodies. Not a chance."
"I felt it was unprofessional for the lake to be there," said Garcia. "That water could be anywhere. Water covers two-thirds of this planet, yet it had to be there on the final two holes of a tournament I'm playing in? Come on. It's not the nicest lake on the earth."
Garcia was especially miffed because the lake didn't swallow any of Tiger Woods' shots.
"I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but it does seem like there is preferential treatment on Tour for Tiger," said Garcia. "He hits shots and they just happen to land on the green. But I hit shots and there is a big tree trunk in the path of my ball or a bunker or some water. I mean, at the very least it's suspicious."
The 55-year study, the longest running study in history on sports team and referee interaction, was a joint effort conducted by Harvard, Stanford and Oxford universities.
"The shittier the team, the more it tends to believe the refs are against them," said Roger Vance, a Harvard professor who announced the study's findings. "It was like this across all sports, and all levels of play, and every country. While good teams sometimes feel targeted by officials, shit teams inordinately blame refs for everything that goes agains them."
Fan behavior was also tracked by the researchers.
"As much as shitty teams complain about officiating, the fans of shitty teams complain exponentially more," said Vance. "In fact, we almost quit doing the study several times because we found these people to be so annoying."
"Dan Snyder is well known as a loathsome person and incompetent team owner," said Jeff Snyder, of Peoria, Ill. "Every day he does further damage to the Snyder name. When most people hear the name 'Snyder' now, they think of assholery and failure. Today we say enough is enough."
The petition demands that Snyder officially change his last name within 72 hours, or be slapped with a defamation lawsuit.
"He has done great damage to everyone named Snyder," said Sara Snyder, who owns a flower shop in San Diego. "Even though I live thousands of miles away from Washington, D.C., people regularly ask me if I'm related to that 'prick Dan Snyder.' I know I have lost business because of my name a name that he has ruined."
"My kids are going to love this little fella," said James, feeding Robinson bits of food he grabbed from the post-game, locker room spread. "Look how tiny he is. He's adorable."
James then called his kids and told them he had a surprise for them and that he'd be home soon. He then quickly dressed without showering, picked up his bag with Robinson inside it and exited for the players' parking lot.
"They're going to love playing with him," said a smiling James, on the way out. "I just hope they don't get too attached. I can't keep him. He has a home in Chicago."