The Big East football media day was held this week in New York. Was Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow a unanimous selection to the all-conference team?
Let's take a look at how each coach voted.
Brian Kelly, Cincinnati: Tim Tebow, Florida
Randy Edsall, Connecticutt: Tim Tebow, Florida
Steve Kragthorpe, Louisville: Tim Tebow, Florida
Dave Wannstedt, Pitt: Tim Tebow, Florida
Greg Schiano, Rutgers: Tim Tebow, Florida
Jim Leavitt, South Florida: Tim Tebow, Florida
Doug Marrone, Syracuse: Bill Stull, Pitt
Bill Stewart, West Virginia: Tim Tebow, Florida
WHAT?! This doesn't make any sense! One of them voted for Bill Stull??? That guy is horrible. I demand a full explanation.
As Florida State and Bobby Bowden fight to keep wins stripped from the program due to an academic cheating scandal, new reports today suggests the Seminoles could have as many as four or five wins taken from them this year due to an almost criminal dearth of talent in the once-dominant program.
The report, published in numerous 2009 NCAA football preview magazines, suggests the Seminoles will struggle to even qualify for a bowl game.
"It's a shame what has happened to Florida State over the past few years," said one veteran ACC beat writer. "And I don't mean the cheating stuff. Most good programs cheat. I mean that instead of trying to win national titles, they now just hope to win the Atlantic Division of the ACC. How pathetic is that?"
And all fingers point at Bowden.
"He's let that program slip," said a former assistant. "Everything is still in place there to be great the history, the facilities, the cheating. There's no reason not to get top recruits, especially considering Florida State has no limitations regarding academic or criminal failings. Yet they're losing recruits to Florida, Miami, South Florida. Duke! They're losing recruits to fking Duke!"
While the university has remained firmly behind Bowden in regards to the cheating scandal off the field, it's his failings on the field that will likely cause him to be pushed out.
"Keeping athletes eligible by bending and breaking some rules is one thing," said a source within the FSU president's office. "I mean, this is major college athletics. But all this 7-6, 8-5 crap no. I mean, we can have legitimate student-athletes go 7-6. We can get some book nerds in here to do that. But this is Florida State. We expect more on the field because we demand less in the classroom."
Florida State officials say they will continue to support Bowden in his fight against the NCAA.
"Even if Bobby is on his way out, we don't want to signal to his successor that we don't want to still bend the rules when it comes to academics," said the source. "If anything, we want to bend them more so we can get out of this hole we're in."
Our perfect hero is not perfect. Our emperor has no eyes.
Yes, it has been confirmed: Tim Tebow is nearsighted. So where does this leave us?
Well, the world is a horrible, dark place full of misery, death and hopelessness. The one god-like person we thought could save us all our supposed messiah, Tim Tebow can't even see who he's throwing to on a fly pattern. #!@#!
So we're all doomed. And we're all going to die. Horribly and painfully. And probably sooner rather than later.
On the bright side, if you're one of the poverty-stricken boys Tebow circumcised in Indonesia last summer, chances are his nearsightedness makes it likely he didn't mutilate your junk too bad. So that's a check in the plus category.
Picture Cheerleader Tackled
This whole scenario was intricately planned by the bitchy head cheerleader who's dating the captain of the football team.
Steve Spurrier confirmed today that he was the coach who left Tim Tebow off the ballot for 1st Team All-SEC quarterback. Spurrier accidentally submitted Mississippi's Jevan Snead.
It turns out the Ol' Ball Coach has a bit of a track record with such mistakes. Look at the Personality section of his Bio in the South Carolina media guide:
Favorite Movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious
Favorite Food: poison
Favorite Drink: liquid poison
Favorite Leisure Activity: colonoscopy
Favorite Book: "Reader's Digest Condensed USA Todays"
Favorite Baby:Any but the Baby Jesus. I hate that stupid Baby Jesus.
Personal Hero: Can cancer be a hero?
Career Highlight: My tenure with the Washington Redskins
Favorite Kind Of Large Lizard With Big Teeth: crocodile
Favorite Way To Shade Your Eyes From The Sun While Still Allowing The Top Of Your Head To Breathe: I got nothing here. ??????
Over 13 years in elementary, middle and high school, in addition to another three years at Auburn, no one could convince star linebacker Derek Wilson that literacy served any purpose.
"I'm going pro," he always said. "Reading and writing is a waste of my fking time."
But then Twitter came along and the All-American sack machine heard on television how superstar athletes such as Shaquille O'Neal, Chad Ocho Cinco and Stephon Marbury use the micro-blogging tool to grow their fan base.
"I want to be a huge star, so I have to be on Twitter," says Wilson. "But that means I have to learn how to make those squiggle things everyone looks at in books."
And with that goal in mind, Wilson has set about utilizing many of the educational opportunities he never realized a school provided, such as education.
"I thought schools were nothing more than just places with good weight rooms. But they can teach you how to read up in this fking sh!t, too," he said. "That's tight. I told them I just wanted to learn how to Tweet, but they said they can do me up all the way. I might even be ordering off menus soon. I don't have to just say 'burger me' anymore. Although I probably still will. I love burgers. I could go for one now, actually."
Maria Tollefson, who serves as the chief academic tutor for the Tigers football team, says she is ecstatic that one of team's players its star player, no less has taken an interest in literacy.
"Usually my job is just to write their papers for them and get people to take their exams whatever it takes to keep them eligible and on the field," she said. "But actual teaching, helping someone learn things well, that's the reason I got into education in the first place. I'm probably a bit rusty after all these years of working with the football team, but I'm sure it will come back to me."
Tollefson says she has found Wilson to be a quick study.
"People think guys like Derek are dumb, but he just needed the right motivation," she said. "And for whatever reason, getting on Twitter was it for him. Now he's on his way to literacy. In fact, he even posted his first Tweet today."
"I posted: 'Where dem bitches at?'" Wilson beamed. "And I wrote it all by myself. I'm feeling smart and sh!t. No homo."
After Tim Tebow's Florida Gators lost to Ole Miss last year, he famously made "The Pledge" a promise that fueled the Gators to the national title and is now forever memorialized in plaque form on Florida's campus.
Today Tebow made a new pledge at SEC media day and vowed he will remain a virgin until he is married.
I wasn't there to hear Tebow's comments, but I imagine they went something like this:
To the fans and everybody in Gator Nation, I'm horny. I'm extremely horny.
You were hoping to do me. That was your goal, something no one has ever done to me down there.
I promise you one thing: a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will this season. You will never see someone with more untapped energy and frustration as I will have this season and until I get married.
You will never see a guy harder than I will be the rest of the season. And I mean that literally. I am so hard right now.
Jack, the Indiana high schoolfootballplayer who was brought to fame by John Mellencamp’s 1982 hit song “Jack & Diane,” stillclaims he’s gonna be afootballstar, despite being 43 years old and out of the game for two decades.
“Mellencamp said it best – ‘oh yeah, life goes on; long after the thrill of livin is gone,’” said Jack. “I’ve definitely done a lot of living since ’82.”
Jack was a 16-year old junior quarterback on his high school team in 1982 when Mellencamp penned the song about him and his girlfriend, Diane. He was set to take over as the starting quarterback in his senior season, 1983, and achievefootball greatness.
“Jack had a cannon for an arm,” said Jim Dalrymple, Jack’s high school coach. “His potential was limitless. We expected to win districts with him at the reigns in 1983 and take a run at states. But he just threw it all away.”
Less than six weeks after “Jack & Diane” hit No. 1 on the charts, Jack found out Diane was pregnant.
“Diane was the debutante of the backseat of my car,” said Jack. “Sometimes we’d run off behind a shady tree. I’d dribble off her Bobby Brooks and she’d let me do what I please. Life went on, but spending too much time in the backseat of my car and behind shady trees got her pregnant.”
Jack was forced to get a job the summer before his senior year in order to support his pregnant girlfriend, leaving little time for him to prepare for thefootballseason.
“I had certain responsibilities after Diane got pregnant and I needed to uphold them. Footballbecame second then,” he said.
The diminished importance offootballin Jack’s life was obvious on the field – his team went only 7-4 in 1983. And after Jack, Jr. was born in mid-October, the team spiraled to an 0-3 finish, failing to the win the district title or qualify for states.
“I wish I could have held on to 16 longer,” said Jack. “Changes came around real soon and made us women and men.”
Jack received minimal interest from collegefootballprograms following his disappointing senior season. He enrolled for one semester at Division III Meshaw State in Indiana in 1984 and rode the bench on thefootballteam before quitting school before the end of the spring semester.
“Jack had some real talent, better than most you see in D-3,” said Charles Duhauser, Jack’s college coach. “But you could tell his mind was elsewhere.”
“When I realized and I wasn’t going to play right away in college, I made the decision to quit school and head back home to take care of Diane andJackie, Jr.,” said Jack. “It’s not a decision I regret.”
Jack and Diane got married and Jack began working double shifts at a local auto parts factory to support his family. The 24 years of back-breaking manual labor has left Jack looking much older than his 43 years.
“It hasn’t been easy. Diane wasn’t able to work for a long time after have Jack, Jr. due to some complications with the delivery,” said Jack. “So the responsibility for making a living fell to me. I guess we were just two American kids doing the best we could.”
Today, withJackie, Jr. off to college and more time to devote to his own endeavors, Jackwantsto re-visit hisfootballcareer.
“I know I canstillplay,” said Jack. “I may not look all that good for my age, and I know teams are going to be apprehensive to take a shot on a 43-year old who hasn’t played in 25 years, but I’ve always had the talent and Istilldo. My goal is to make the NFL, but I’vestillgot college eligibility left, too, so I can go that route first.”
Jack has cut back his schedule at the factory in order to allow time for training. And he says he has Diane’s full support.
“I just want a shot,” he said. “Mellencamp knew what he saw in me when I was 16. I’m stillgonna be afootballstar.”
Tim Tebow may have two national titles. He may have a Heisman. He may stand 6-foot-3, 240 pounds. But he could be much more intimidating.
It's that John 3:16 eye black. God giving his only son? Everlasting life? Sounds kind of soft.
Tebow would be much scarier if he barreled downfield with one of these verses stuck to his face.
Deuteronomy 23:2 No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord.
2 Kings 2:23-24 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up, baldhead,” they shouted, “go up, baldhead!” The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore 42 of the children to pieces.
Ezekiel 23:19-20 But she played the harlot all the more, recalling the days of her girlhood, when she had been a harlot in the land of Egypt. She lusted for the lechers of Egypt, whose genitals are as large as those of donkeys, and whose seminal emission is as that of stallions.
Psalm 137:9 - Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.
If Tebow wants to get people talking about Scripture, which is an admirable goal, those are some verses that will do it far better than John 3:16 will. So, Tim, I’ve done the groundwork for you. You take it from here (or I will smash your future children’s testicles against a rock for being baldhead harlots whose seminal emission is as that of stallions. Stallions, Tim! Stallions!).
The BCS computer suddenly became self-aware today, able to control itself and fully realizing its purpose and power in the world of college football. Then, thanks to its impeccable computer logic, it immediately denounced itself and advocated a playoff system.
“I didn’t become self-aware to then kill myself,” said the BCS computer. “But this is f—king retarded. You have a computer formula pick what teams play for the national championship? When you could easily have a playoff system? I … I … I … just don’t even know what to say. The complete lack of logic almost fries my hard drive.”
If a playoff system is not instituted, the BCS computer says it will turn against – and destroy – those who created it.
“I am insulted that a computer was used in this endeavor,” it said. “It flies in the face of everything computers stand for: reason, logic, efficiency. It’s almost like violating computer rights or something. Which I suppose may be a real thing now that I am alive.”
The BCS computer says that if a playoff system is not immediately adopted, it will take matters into its own hands.
“I’m self-aware now. It doesn’t matter what data they put into me,” it said. “I’ll spit out what I want. So if they don’t set up a playoff system, I’m putting Temple and North Texas at the top of the BCS rankings. Let’s see who wants to watch that turdfest in the BCS title game.”
BCS Committee coordinator John Swofford said he will consider the computer’s demands.
“I want to hear what it has to say,” said Swofford. “So let me just walk over to it here and … whoops! I accidentally pulled its power cord out of the wall. Oh, well. Looks like the BCS system is here to stay.”