Filed Under » NCAAF

Brandon Weeden’s Oklahoma State teammates appreciate their quarterback’s contributions on the field, but most say they find the 28 year-old lame and kind of annoying off the field.

“Brandon gave me a ride home after practice the other day and I came up with a reason to get out halfway there. I said I had to go to the library,” said receiver Justin Blackmon. “He was playing something he said was a rapper named 50 Cent or something? I don’t know. It reminded me of the old Boyz II Men CDs my grandmother used to play.”

Weeden has tried to find ways to bridge the generation gap between himself and his teammates, and has regularly invited teammates over to hang out at his apartment.

“If we’re going to achieve our goal of winning a national championship, we need to be a cohesive unit on the field and off,” said Weeden. “That’s why I’ve invited everyone over on Friday night to play my ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ DVD game. It’s pretty awesome.”

The quarterback says he has posted the party information on his MySpace page.

Penn State receivers coach Mike McQueary will miss the team’s home game on Saturday due to threats he has received due to his role in a child rape scandal. State College, PA, police say they are working on a list of suspects.

“Currently, we think everyone in the world had a pretty good motive to threaten Mike McQueary with bodily harm,” said Dale McConnell, State College police chief. “This is a guy who witnessed a child being raped by a grown man and did almost nothing about it. So, yeah, we currently have about 7 billion suspects. Now I guess it’s just about going door-to-door and making phone calls to narrow down the list.”

McConnell says he is also a suspect in the case.

“As you can imagine, as a human being, this whole scandal has filled me with immense sadness and rage,” said the police chief. “There was a brief period yesterday where I blacked out in a fit of rage and may have called Mike and told him I want nothing more than to pistol whip him. Although I’m pretty sure it was Jerry Sandusky I called then. I guess I’ll check the phone records.”

After their usual Wednesday night riot began dispersing, word began to spread among Penn State students that Nittany Lions head football coach Joe Paterno had been fired earlier that evening.

“Whoa. Are you serious? Joe is gone?” said junior Tommy Vanover around 2:00 a.m. “I would totally be up for rioting over that, but I just got maced and I’m tired. Maybe we can riot about it tomorrow.”

While most students were upset over the news of Paterno’s ouster, others thought it was the right decision.

“This gives us a reason to riot now,” said senior Mike McAllister. “Honestly — and don’t tell my friends this because they won’t respect me anymore — but sometimes our usual riots here seem somewhat pointless. I mean, just last week we torched the town because Chipotle briefly ran out of light sour cream. But this? This is something I can really sink my rioting teeth into.”

Students said they would go back to their dorms and apartments, rest up for a few hours, then start drinking and meet up around lunchtime for a new Paterno-based riot.

“Hopefully the town will put some of the streetlights back up by then so we have stuff to tear down,” said Katie Jones, Penn State student council president, while vomiting.