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The BCS bowl match-ups are set. Alabama and Texas will meet in the BCS National Championship Game on January 7th, while undefeated TCU and Boise State will meet three days earlier in the BCS's F—kYou.com Bowl.

"We are ecstatic about the bowl lineup," said BCS commissioner John Swofford. "We have an SEC team and a Big-12 team in the championship game and were able to give the F—kYou to two undefeated non-BCS conference teams. It couldn't be more perfect."

In past years the F—kYou.com Bowl has featured major conference teams such as Texas and Auburn. But it's primarily designed for undefeated non-BCS schools such as the 2008 Utah Utes, who were placed in last year's game, or Boise State, who has a long history in the bowl.

"We started the BCS bowl system to give major conference teams, as well as Notre Dame, a way to make more money than they were in the previous setup," said Swofford. "But then we were pressured to toss a few crumbs to teams outside the SEC, Big-12, Big Ten and Pac-10, which necessitated our partnership with F—kYou.com."

According to domain records, F—kYou.com was registered by Swofford himself.

"Yeah? So?" he said. "GoF—kYourself.com was already a site and they didn't want to sell, so this was the next best option. I think the message is still clear."

TCU head coach Gary Patterson says he will accept the decision of the BCS.

"We don't really have a choice," he said. "And I think most people have come to recognize the annual F—kYou.com bowl to be as legitimate as the national championship game. For example, anyone with a soul sees Utah as co-national champions last year."

Swofford just wishes the BCS system could please everyone.

"It's not perfect. People want it to be more fair and we want the same thing. Trust me," he said. "For example, I would have loved to put Cincinnati in the F—kYou.com Bowl, too. But they'll have to be content playing for absolutely nothing in another bowl. That's what they get for not being ranked higher to start the season. They can't complain."

Tim Tebow lost. And his crying proved he took the defeat pretty hard.

Thankfully, the noted Biblical eye black enthusiast can work his way through the 5 Stages of Grief by sporting an appropriate verse on his face for each stage.

Glad to help, Tim!

Stage 1: Denial and Isolation

PHILIPPIANS 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I know you have this one already. You've worn it before. Now you can wear it again. The object of the sentence — "I" — reflects your feelings of isolation. And I think we can agree the thought that you "can do all things" is pretty fitting for denial in light of your performance in the SEC Championship Game, yes?

Stage 2: Anger

PSALM 137:9:Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.

OR

DEUTERONOMY 23:2: No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord.

They're both plenty angry. Like, terrifyingly angry. As you can see. But I'd probably go with Deuteronomy 23:2 in your case. You know, what with your history with the penises and the cutting.

Stage 3: Bargaining

DEUTERONOMY 3:23-25: At that time I pleaded with the Lord: "O Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do? Let me go over and see the good land beyond the Jordan — that fine hill country and Lebanon."

Great job attempting to kiss up with the "O Sovereign Lord" and "your greatness" and the "what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do?" Well done. It won't work. You still lost. Decisively. But good try anyway. (Oh, and just a theological note: In Biblical times, I think "Jordan" was the SEC and "Lebanon" hosted the BCS title game. I think.)

Stage 4: Depression

JOHN 11:35: Jesus wept.

You weren't the only one crying at the end of that loss, Tim. Your No. 1 fan surely shed some tears, too.

Stage 5: Acceptance

JOB 29:2-3: How I long for the months gone by, for the days when God watched over me, when his lamp shone upon my head and by his light I walked through darkness!

OR

PSALM 34:18: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Apt. Both of them. But you should probably go with the second one. That one you can leave on your face for a while. You know, 'cause it will work for you at the NFL Draft, too.

Jimbo Fisher will take over as head coach of the Florida State football program following Bobby Bowden's final game in the Seminoles' bowl later this month. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Jimbo Fisher.

Jimbo Fisher was born October 9, 1965 in Clarksburg, West Virginia. "Jimbo" was a family name handed down from generations of Fisher men who didn't want to be taken seriously outside of the South.

Fisher played quarterback at Salem College under Terry Bowden from 1985 to 1986, then followed Bowden to play at Samford University in 1987 when Bowden got the job there. Fisher primarily followed Terry Bowden because he hoped Bowden would lead him to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

In 1988 Fisher played for the Chicago Bruisers of the Arena Football League. Fisher may have been the best quarterback to ever play in the City of Chicago. At the very least he's tied for first/last.

Before becoming offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach at Florida State in 2007, Fisher served in the same capacity at LSU from 2000 to 2006 and in 2001 was named a finalist for the Frank Broyles Award as the nation's top assistant. I'm not exactly sure who Frank Broyles is/was. Probably some no-name assistant who wanted other no-name assistants to get the recognition he never did.

During his seven seasons at LSU, Fisher coached quarterbacks Josh Booty, Rohan Davey, Craig Nall, Matt Mauck and JaMarcus Russell. Florida State officials are relieved that Fisher will never get any offers to coach in the NFL.

Fisher and his wife, Candi, have two sons. Jimbo and Candi are often offered roles in truck stop-based adult films.

Despite coaching stops at Samford, Auburn, Cincinnati, LSU and Florida State, Fisher has never been the head coach of a program. (Not counting the three seasons he has served as head coach of Bobby Bowden's program.)

His name is Rudy Rutgower. He is 18-years old, 5-feet tall and he has a dream: to play college football. While he knows he’s too small to be a starter, the scrappy, never-say-die Rutgower just wants to run on the field for one play. And though he was born and raised in Vandalia, Indiana, the diminutive youngster would prefer to do it at the University of Florida because they’re not as sucky as Notre Dame.

“That’s my dream,” said Rutgower, staring wistfully off into the distance. “I want to run onto the field at the Swamp, get in the huddle, sprint to the line of scrimmage and make a play. I want to feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I hear my name announced. I want to be part of a winning tradition, if only for a brief moment in time. Pride, integrity, victory, respect: that’s what Florida football symbolizes to me.”

Rudy knows he resembles another famous Rudy, the one that was the subject of the hugely popular movie celebrating the allure and mystique of Notre Dame football. Having hailed from a small, unincorporated town near South Bend, he has his share of memories surrounding the Fighting Irish. But, like most youngsters of today, he’d rather have his inspirational, once-in-a-lifetime moment on a team that’s won something since he's been alive.

“Everybody tells me I’m just like the kid from the movie,” said Rutgower. “But the big difference is I’m not a Notre Dame fan. I love the Florida Gators. That’s why I dream of someday taking the field — oh, sorry, I should gaze wistfully at the sunset while I say this — of someday taking the field with the Florida Gators and making a play while 90,000 fans do the Gator chomp.”

The first part of Rutgower’s dream has already been realized: in August, he was accepted to Florida and is now taking classes toward a degree in business. In his spare time, however, he is maintaining his laser-like focus on the goal of making the Gators practice squad.

“It’s a long shot, but I believe in myself,” said Rutgower. “And when you believe in yourself, you can accomplish all of your dreams. That’s what this great black janitor told me anyway when we were standing in the tunnel under the stadium smoking a fattie. I’ll never forget that. That was some great stuff.”

Rutgower’s story is starting to get national attention. He was mentioned onGood Morning America, as well as ESPN’sFirst Takeand has performed numerous radio interviews to talk about his inspirational quest. Rutgower says he hopes the attention will help him achieve his goal.

“Hopefully Coach Meyer and the powers-that-be here in Gainesville will notice me, notice how much I love the program, notice how small and earnest I am, and be moved to give me a shot,” Rutgower said. “That’s all I want: a shot. My daddy was a coal miner. My momma was a homemaker. I just wanna make them proud. I mean, my daddy was actually an orthodontist, but for the purposes of this story, and the ensuing movie, let’s say he was a coal miner.”

Meanwhile, one program has gotten wind of Rutgower’s story and are willing to give him a shot to make the team: the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, who will likely have an opening at starting quarterback next season. Rutgower, however, said he’s “not interested” in being the starting quarterback for the Fighting Irish.

“Yeah, no thanks. I wouldn’t want that thankless job,” Rudy said. “Being part of this sinking ship, getting punched in public, and generally being the whipping boy for thousands of frustrated fans and boosters? No thanks. I’d much rather run on the field for one play at Florida then be the starting quarterback for Notre Dame.”

Moments after hearing that Bobby Bowden had officially retired as head coach of the Florida State Seminoles, Penn State head coach Joe Paterno let out a sigh, made a few last remarks, and happily slipped into sweet, sweet death.

"Oh, thank Christ in heaven," said Paterno, letting out a long breath. "Finally. Finally. I never thought he would retire. But now he has. And my career wins record is forever safe. Goodbye, world."

And, with that, the 82-year-old head coach slumped over dead.

"I'm so happy for Joe," said Penn State defensive coordinator, Tom Bradley, who was in Paterno's office when he quit living. "This is all he has wanted for so long. He had to keep coaching and living long after he intended to because Bowden was as stubborn as he was. But in the end, Joe was more stubborn. By a few minutes. What a fighter."

Bowden expressed remorse upon receiving the news of his rival's passing.

"I'm sorry he had to die," said Bowden. "But me faking my retirement so he would stop living was the only way I could make up the wins gap. What? I had to do it. I'm not as dumb as I've looked the past few years."

The Florida State icon then announced a new five-year contract extension.

According to sources inside the Notre Dame football program, head coach Charlie Weis has been informed of his dismissal by athletic director Jack Swarbrick and will leave the job as soon as he can fit through the door frame of his office.

"I knew that if I waited until the end of the season, this was a risk because Charlie grows fatter by the day," said Swarbrick. "But I wanted to give him a chance to turn it around. As we know, that did not happen. And when I met with him this morning, he was enjoying an assortment of pastries … and I knew it was too late."

Swarbrick has given strict orders to Notre Dame staff members to not bring Weis more food until he slims down enough to exit his office. The university has also looked into other options of extraditing the process, including removing the building's roof to extract Weis by crane, and cutting slabs of flesh off of the coach. But Weis has vowed he will respond with a malpractice suit to any surgical procedure, per his custom.

Notre Dame will begin its search for a replacement while they figure out what to do with Weis.

"Charlie has a lot of weight to lose before he fits through that door," says Swarbrick. "Chances are we have the new guy hired by the time that happens. If so, we'll put him up in temporary offices until Charlie is removed. Plus, the smell will take a while to dissipate. If you can believe it, Charlie's hygiene was actually worse than his coaching ability. Yeah, you can probably believe it, huh?"

Weis says he wants to leave his office as much as Notre Dame wants him to leave.

"I love Notre Dame and want to give them every opportunity to get a fresh start," he said. "Mmmm … fresh tart. Must have fresh tart."

Bobby Bowden, the lovable mascot with the bemused expression and eclectic hats and glasses who has walked the Florida State sidelines for the past 34 years, may have worked his final game on Saturday.

“He has done so much for our university and for our football program,” said university president T.K. Wetherell. “Bobby Bowden has almost nothing to do with the football team itself or what happens on the field, but our fans love him more than any current or former player or coach. That the mark of a great mascot.”

The mascot has been forced to cut back on his colorful routine of yelling and folksiness in recent years to do its increased age — and it may be health concerns that end a career perhaps only rivaled by the likes of the Phillie Phanatic, the San Diego Chicken and the University of Georgia’s Uga.

Junior quarterback Christian Ponder says that while Bobby Bowden isn’t a true member of the team, he does have an impact on them.

“We love him,” said Ponder. “Coach Fisher will be running a practice or going over the gameplan or something, and all of a sudden Bobby Bowden will come marching through out of nowhere, yelling and carrying on about something. He’s hilarious. You can’t get too tight with him around. He always lightens the mood.”

Ponder also credited Bowden for recruiting him to Florida State when he was a highly-coveted high school player three years ago.

“Most schools sent their head coach or some intense, hard-nosed assistant to my house to talk to me,” said Ponder. “But Florida State sent their mascot. That’s what won me over. It showed me they keep football fun here.”

Despite the rumors, Bobby Bowden – who famously always stays in his character– told amused reporters today that he has no plans to retire.

“Retire? What are you talking about? I’m focusing on getting these kids ready for next season and nothing else,” he croaked, working the crowd masterfully. And then he delivered the punch line to uproarious laughter: “I’m not the retiring type and I'm not a figurehead or a mascot. I’m a head football coach!"

Wetherell says he hopes Bowden does step away.

“He deserves a break,” he said. “It must be exhausting to be a public figure like that, always in character playing the cranky and old, but lovable, grandfather-type. And I can’t imagine how hot it must be inside that ridiculous costume.”