The Pat Summitt era is over at Tennessee.
After talking to former Tennessee head football coach Lane Kiffin in attempt to make him reconsider staying in Knoxville, Summitt says Kiffin convinced her to leave the program she has led for 37 years and follow him to the sun and fun of Los Angeles and USC.
"Sorry, Tennessee," Summitt said.
With eight national championships during her tenure, Summitt said Kiffin made the point that there's not much more she can accomplish in Knoxville and that she could use a new challenge.
"I want to take women's basketball to another level," said Summitt. "And Lane made me realize I can only do that in a major media market like Los Angeles."
With Summitt's rival, Geno Auriemma, entrenched at UConn, Summitt says she can now stake a claim to the recruits in the entire western half of the country, as well as continue to exert her influence in the Southeast.
"It's really a no-brainer," said Summitt. "Lane finally made me open my eyes and see reality. There's no reason for anyone to coach at Tennessee no offense to all the great people here at Tennessee."
Kiffin is glad Summitt heard him out.
"Hey, she's not getting any younger," said Kiffin of Summitt, age 57. "She'd feel a lot better out in L.A. No winters. And she's fresh off her divorce, too. She can play the field out there. Date an actor or something."
The news of Summitt's departure at Tennessee has eclipsed the outrage over Kiffin. But University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton urges calm.
"Everybody needs to relax," said Hamilton. "This is our women's basketball coach. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it: the only reason we follow women's basketball here is because we're good at it. It's not like we actually like it. I mean, who could? It's awful. With Pat gone, we can focus on the good sports again. Lane Kiffin did us a favor."
New Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll had an introductory press conference that won't be forgotten for a long time.
Tennessee is reeling today over the news that Layla Kiffin, considered perhaps the state's top MILF, is moving to Los Angeles.
"Devastating. Absolutely devastating," said Governor Phil Bredesen. "We thought we had her for the long haul. We thought we'd get to enjoy that body and leer at it for another 10 to 12 years before she moved on or everything dropped and started getting saggy. At least I can say we sincerely appreciated her while she was here."
"I never even got to smell her hair," said University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton. "God knows I tried. But every time I'd get in really close and almost breathe it in, she'd spot me and turn around. She had an amazing sense for that. She had a lot of amazing attributes."
Many high school seniors who had committed to Tennessee are reportedly now reconsidering.
"I was going there for her," said Darrell Smith, a highly-touted running back from Memphis. "I don't know why she's going to Los Angeles where she'll be just another blonde woman with a big rack. Here she was unique. Here she was special. I could have showed her how special she was. That was my goal. Hit that. And then, once that's taken care of, focus on winning a national title and playing in the NFL."
Tennessee has immediately begun the search for a successor.
"We are looking for full C-cups or perky D's," said Hamilton. "And, of course, 36-24-36 measurements or something in that proportional ballpark. We'd also like another one who has had children. Because then you know what you're working with. It's easy to get a good-looking woman pre-babies, but then she might blow up after having kids. Not an angel like Layla. Oh, Layla we'll miss you."
The school is also hoping their replacement for Layla Kiffin is married to someone with some sort of football coaching background, even if at a low level.
"But the coaching thing is not a deal-breaker," said Hamilton.
The Seattle Seahawks interviewed Pete Carroll today for their vacant head coaching job and are reportedly close to coming to terms with the USC head coach.
"This is moving very fast," said a source within the Seahawks organization. "Thankfully, we don't have to interview anyone else because Pete was gracious enough to don blackface. So we're covered as far as the Rooney Rule."
The NFL's "Rooney Rule" requires teams to interview minority candidates for head coaching jobs. But with Carroll in their sights, Seattle didn't want to look elsewhere.
"Pete Carroll is our clear choice. By a mile," said a front office source. "All interviewing a qualified minority candidate could do is confuse the situation. What if the guy blows us away in the interview? Then our easy choice becomes a difficult choice. Who wants that? As though life needs to be more difficult. And no way our fans go for us hiring some young, random, minority guy over Pete Carroll. Pete Carroll! USC. And the Patriots, I hear, too. The Patriots are great!"
Carroll said that anyone who might be offended by his blackface interview needs to relax.
"I'm a fun guy. I like to mess around," he said. "I hang out with Will Ferrell sometimes, you know. If Will Ferrell donned blackface, everyone would laugh. So I don't see how it's different for me to do it. You're not getting the joke, I don't think."
The Seahawks have already submitted the appropriate Rooney Rule paperwork to the league, signifying that they have interviewed Pete Carroll and "Black Pete Carroll".
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is satisfied.
"I usually let this kind of thing slide," he said. "I always fear that if I'm too much of a stickler about it people will talk about how the Rooney Rule conveniently isn't in place for the commissioner job opening."
The Big Ten is set to announce its new name and new logo.
What will that look like? Glad you asked. Here are the new logos the Big Ten is considering.
Some pictures to get you prepared for Alabama-Texas.
The BCS title game is off. Just hours before kickoff, No. 2 ranked Texas has announced it will not play in the game in protest of the unfair BCS system.
"Even though we had a great shot at winning the game and being crowned national champion, it wasn't something we thought we could achieve with our dignity and self-respect intact," said head coach Mack Brown. "There is a right way and a wrong way to do things, and the BCS is the wrong way. How could we say we are educating young men, yet take advantage of a system like this?"
The decision by the team and the university was influenced by last year when a one-loss Texas squad was left out of the title game in place of a one-loss Florida team.
"We know what it's like to be on the other side," said Texas quarterback Colt McCoy. "And here Boise State is in the position we were last year. This is an easy decision. It's the right thing to do. I've always wanted to win a national title, but I don't want an asterisk beside it. I want to win with honor."
Texas has also announced it will forfeit the huge BCS payout it was set to receive.
"Could we use all that money? Sure," said Texas president William Powers, Jr. "But it's dirty money. I couldn't sleep at night knowing we took money from the BCS."
Alabama head coach Nick Saban says he respects the Longhorns' decision.
"Hey, good for those pussies. They knew they couldn't handle us on the field, so they're trying to make some bullshit statement about fairness," Saban laughed. "What does fairness have to do with sports? Give me that national championship trophy. And their BCS money, too. It's time Alabama gets a Nick Saban statue."
The University of Southern California today announced severe sanctions against its field hockey program in light of several violations committed by the school's football program.
"The benefits that were given to Reggie Bush during his time here and the car that Joe McKnight has been allowed to use, among other violations, will not stand here at USC," said USC athletics director Michael Garrett. "We take these things very seriously. As such, our women's field hockey program is losing three scholarships and may not participate in the Pac-10 tournament."
The field hockey team will, however, be allowed to participate in the NCAA Tournament if it receives a bid.
"It's an olive branch to them to improve their behavior," said Garrett. "No one on the football team wants those girls to miss out on a field hockey title, I'm sure of it."
Football coach Pete Carroll said he was unaware of the punishment.
"I had no idea we had a field hockey team," said Carroll. "Huh. That's the one where the girls with the short skirts bend over, right? Nice."
Garrett says he thinks his quick action will show the NCAA that the school's football programs is playing within the rules. "This is just the first step, too," he said. "If anything more happens, then we hit women's swimming. Before long it gets really serious and we go after a men's sport. Like tennis. Not one of the real ones, of course. But still."
A source within the NCAA's compliance office says USC has taken the necessary steps.
"They didn't even have to do this," he said. "They're one of the top football programs. They should know that we're never going to punish a program at that level. What's actually more concerning is that they even brought attention to their indiscretions this way. That's what we might punish them for. We prefer programs just pretend everything is on the up-and-up."