The president today announced plans to send 30,000 National Guard troops to the hotly-contested border between the offense and defense in preparation for what is suspected to be an increase in violence along the line of scrimmage this fall.
"Each day livelihoods are lost, knees are blown out, yards per carry averages are destroyed along our nation's lines of scrimmage," said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "It was imperative that the president step in and take action."
There is a long history of conflict along the line of scrimmage dating back to the mid-1800s. But the conflict has escalated in recent years as both sides mass larger and stronger players along the line. Perhaps most terrifying: the growth of children serving in youth forces or "teams".
"This is calculated violence playing out on our television screens every week," said vice president Joe Biden. "We can no longer pretend it's not happening. This administration promised to take on the issues and we are."
The National Guard troops will be instructed to prevent teams from moving beyond their currently established positions, a move that will prevent violence but also end scoring.
"There is no perfect solution," said Gibbs. "Once we calm tensions we will take a look at allowing certain players to advance beyond the line of scrimmage."
The Guard has also been instructed to call penalties on all players with Mexican ancestry.
Picture Awkward Pop Warner Tackle
The school's mentally challenged kid just saw The Waterboy and was inspired.
Picture Shocker Senior Pic
The real shocker is how he Bieber-ized his hair.
The NCAA is currently looking into players at Florida, Alabama, North Carolina and South Carolina, as well as other schools, over reports that they received benefits from a close and personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
"This is a serious issue," said a source in the NCAA's compliance office. "We're not just talking about a booster giving a kid some spending money or an agent loaning a car. We're talking about a relationship that impacted the outcome of games. This is an incredibly powerful guy. His hands are in everything."
The investigation is being aided by the fact that so many of the players brazenly flaunted their relationship with Christ, openly speaking about him in post-game interviews. Former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow is thought to be Christ's most high-profile client, as he wore eye black with references to him on his face and sought to direct others to him.
"The control this guy had over these kids is unbelievable," said one unnamed source. "They would talk to him morning and night. Ask him for advice on everything. Credit him for all their successes. They worshipped him. And, in return, he would help them win football games."
The NCAA believes that every college football game at every level of play was decided by Christ and has been for some time.
"Whoever served him the most, was most deferential, got the win," said the source. "Sports have never seen a fixing scandal of this magnitude."
SEC players appear to have had the closest relationship with Christ, based on the culture of the region and their success on the field. But one school thought to have received benefits has been cleared.
"Notre Dame will not be punished," said the NCAA source. "They wanted to have a relationship with Christ and even openly courted him, but it's obvious to us they received no help from him."
A GameStop in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, switched out the cover of the new EA Sports' NCAA Football 11 with one featuring Tim Tebow crying.
Turns out they changed the back cover, too.
Picture Found Him!
Said the police officer looking for the pervert dressed as Waldo.
University of Georgia athletic director Damon Evans has resigned for his DUI arrest. Now another prominent Georgia employee has submitted a letter of resignation to UGA president Michael Adams.
According to state representatives, Mississippi has turned down an offer to join the 21st Century and instead will remain in the 1800s.
"At the end of the day, this is where we want to be," said Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. "We have such a long history with the 1800s more than 200 years, in fact. And we didn't want to just throw all that away."
The decision will leave Mississippi without education and technology, but Barbour said he didn't believe Mississippi would have been placed on an equal footing with current members of the 21st Century.
"Well, that's probably true," said Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. "But, they need to understand their history. They would have needed to sit back and kind of watch how the rest of us do it for a few decades before becoming one of our flagship states."
While some in Mississippi had been pushing for the change, polls showed the majority of the state's residents opposed the move. In fact, 68-percent wanted to stay, 10-percent wanted to join the the 21st Century, 5-percent were undecided and 17-percent said: "I ain't seen you 'round here before. You best git' gone before I git to shootin'!"
The news that Mississippi would not join the 21st Century was met with celebration throughout the state, as residents fired guns wildly into the air and drove their pickups through town, honking and flying the state flag with the Confederate flag inlay.
"Umm I'm not sure that had anything to do with the news," admitted Gov. Barbour. "That's just a typical day in Mississippi. Most people haven't heard about the 1800s decision, what with not having television or radio."
While Mississippi appears set in the 1800s, sources say they will be a target of the 20th Century, which is looking to expand its membership beyond West Virginia.
In the latest move in a wave of conference realignment, league sources are reporting that the NBA’s Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, and Orlando Magic are poised to accept invitations to join the Western Conference. The same sources cite increased exposure, greater revenues, and a higher level of play as the primary reasons for the move.
“This is a big day for us,” said Celtics coach Doc Rivers. “The Eastern Conference treated us well for decades, but we want to be where the best teams are. Plus, it’s hard to get comfortable in a conference where your playoffs air on TNT. You’re always worried aLaw & Orderrerun is going to preempt one of your games.”
“I don't think this was an easy decision for this franchise,” said Magic center Dwight Howard. “I knew that unless I died or lost a leg I’d be starting the All-Star Game for the East for the next 12 years. I grew up dreaming of playing in the real NBA, though, against the best players in the world. And now I finally have a chance to do it. It's about legacy. I can only prove myself in the Western Conference.”
Cavaliers officials are hopeful that the move will help the team retain free agent superstar LeBron James. “Giant contracts are nice and all,” said one team official, bBut now we can promise LeBron that those repeated midseason trips to Detroit and Indianapolis are a thing of the past. That’s huge.”
Commissioner David Stern who says he is now Western Conference Commissioner David Stern says he believes the creation of a mega-conference will improve the financial picture of the NBA.
"Honestly, I have no idea what will happen to what's left of the Eastern Conference," he says. "And I really don’t care. Maybe those teams can join the Big East or something. Their names and level of play are already sort of similar.”
Meanwhile, the Eastern Conference is left scrambling to populate its ranks. The conference has considered adding the University of Kentucky from the NBA, but there are concerns about whether coach John Calipari could get his squad’s payroll under the NBA’s $57.7 million salary cap and still put a competitive team on the court.
“At this point, we’ll take any team with five players. They don’t even have to be healthy or particularly good at basketball,” said New York Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni. “If anyone has a connection with the NBDL’s Fort Wayne Mad Ants, please have them call us.”