The host seems nice. But he will destroy you if you mess up the clap.
To this kid's credit, he refused to be tackled. Even though that would have been the way to go.
Lane Kiffin, the young, 35-year-old head coach charged with leading the legendary USC football program into the future, is already making his mark on team. And today he announced the program's system of player compensation while be completely modernized and moved online.
"Players today do everything online," he said. "I don't think there's a kid on the team who doesn't have an iPhone or one of those Droids. Their lives are completely digital and it's time our payment program reflects that."
Thanks to an exclusive partnership with PayPal, the university, athletic department, football program, coaches, boosters or even USC fans can make direct payments into each player's individual PayPal account.
"No longer will players have to be given sacks of cash that are easy to lose or be told they have to take a house when they really want a car," said Kiffin. "With PayPal we have completely modernized and streamlined our payment system. This is the future of paying NCAA athletes and we think our players will be earning as much as 50-percent more."
USC looked into other payment options in the past Pete Carroll notably tried to use Flooz for a time but had never moved beyond straight cash transactions or gifts. When Kiffin took over this offseason, he immediately insisted on overhauling the program and made it happen with his energy and youthful perspective.
"I've looked through the entire NCAA rule book and there's not a single mention of PayPal, so it must be allowed," he said. "And by the time they get around to putting that in the rule book, I'll be long gone to my next job."
The president today announced plans to send 30,000 National Guard troops to the hotly-contested border between the offense and defense in preparation for what is suspected to be an increase in violence along the line of scrimmage this fall.
"Each day livelihoods are lost, knees are blown out, yards per carry averages are destroyed along our nation's lines of scrimmage," said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. "It was imperative that the president step in and take action."
There is a long history of conflict along the line of scrimmage dating back to the mid-1800s. But the conflict has escalated in recent years as both sides mass larger and stronger players along the line. Perhaps most terrifying: the growth of children serving in youth forces or "teams".
"This is calculated violence playing out on our television screens every week," said vice president Joe Biden. "We can no longer pretend it's not happening. This administration promised to take on the issues and we are."
The National Guard troops will be instructed to prevent teams from moving beyond their currently established positions, a move that will prevent violence but also end scoring.
"There is no perfect solution," said Gibbs. "Once we calm tensions we will take a look at allowing certain players to advance beyond the line of scrimmage."
The Guard has also been instructed to call penalties on all players with Mexican ancestry.
Picture Awkward Pop Warner Tackle
The school's mentally challenged kid just saw The Waterboy and was inspired.
Picture Shocker Senior Pic
The real shocker is how he Bieber-ized his hair.
The NCAA is currently looking into players at Florida, Alabama, North Carolina and South Carolina, as well as other schools, over reports that they received benefits from a close and personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
"This is a serious issue," said a source in the NCAA's compliance office. "We're not just talking about a booster giving a kid some spending money or an agent loaning a car. We're talking about a relationship that impacted the outcome of games. This is an incredibly powerful guy. His hands are in everything."
The investigation is being aided by the fact that so many of the players brazenly flaunted their relationship with Christ, openly speaking about him in post-game interviews. Former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow is thought to be Christ's most high-profile client, as he wore eye black with references to him on his face and sought to direct others to him.
"The control this guy had over these kids is unbelievable," said one unnamed source. "They would talk to him morning and night. Ask him for advice on everything. Credit him for all their successes. They worshipped him. And, in return, he would help them win football games."
The NCAA believes that every college football game at every level of play was decided by Christ and has been for some time.
"Whoever served him the most, was most deferential, got the win," said the source. "Sports have never seen a fixing scandal of this magnitude."
SEC players appear to have had the closest relationship with Christ, based on the culture of the region and their success on the field. But one school thought to have received benefits has been cleared.
"Notre Dame will not be punished," said the NCAA source. "They wanted to have a relationship with Christ and even openly courted him, but it's obvious to us they received no help from him."
A GameStop in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, switched out the cover of the new EA Sports' NCAA Football 11 with one featuring Tim Tebow crying.
Turns out they changed the back cover, too.
Picture Found Him!
Said the police officer looking for the pervert dressed as Waldo.