Filed Under » NCAAF

After Tim Tebow’s Florida Gators lost to Ole Miss last year, he famously made “The Pledge” — a promise that fueled the Gators to the national title and is now forever memorialized in plaque form on Florida’s campus.

Today Tebow made a new pledge at SEC media day and vowed he will remain a virgin until he is married.

I wasn’t there to hear Tebow’s comments, but I imagine they went something like this:

To the fans and everybody in Gator Nation, I’m horny. I’m extremely horny.

You were hoping to do me. That was your goal, something no one has ever done to me down there.

I promise you one thing: a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will this season. You will never see someone with more untapped energy and frustration as I will have this season and until I get married.

You will never see a guy harder than I will be the rest of the season. And I mean that literally. I am so hard right now.

Goddam!

Jack, the Indiana high schoolfootballplayer who was brought to fame by John Mellencamp’s 1982 hit song “Jack & Diane,” stillclaims he’s gonna be afootballstar, despite being 43 years old and out of the game for two decades.

“Mellencamp said it best – ‘oh yeah, life goes on; long after the thrill of livin is gone,’” said Jack. “I’ve definitely done a lot of living since ’82.”

Jack was a 16-year old junior quarterback on his high school team in 1982 when Mellencamp penned the song about him and his girlfriend, Diane. He was set to take over as the starting quarterback in his senior season, 1983, and achievefootball greatness.

“Jack had a cannon for an arm,” said Jim Dalrymple, Jack’s high school coach. “His potential was limitless. We expected to win districts with him at the reigns in 1983 and take a run at states. But he just threw it all away.”

Less than six weeks after “Jack & Diane” hit No. 1 on the charts, Jack found out Diane was pregnant.

“Diane was the debutante of the backseat of my car,” said Jack. “Sometimes we’d run off behind a shady tree. I’d dribble off her Bobby Brooks and she’d let me do what I please. Life went on, but spending too much time in the backseat of my car and behind shady trees got her pregnant.”

Jack was forced to get a job the summer before his senior year in order to support his pregnant girlfriend, leaving little time for him to prepare for thefootballseason.

“I had certain responsibilities after Diane got pregnant and I needed to uphold them. Footballbecame second then,” he said.

The diminished importance offootballin Jack’s life was obvious on the field – his team went only 7-4 in 1983. And after Jack, Jr. was born in mid-October, the team spiraled to an 0-3 finish, failing to the win the district title or qualify for states.

“I wish I could have held on to 16 longer,” said Jack. “Changes came around real soon and made us women and men.”

Jack received minimal interest from collegefootballprograms following his disappointing senior season. He enrolled for one semester at Division III Meshaw State in Indiana in 1984 and rode the bench on thefootballteam before quitting school before the end of the spring semester.

“Jack had some real talent, better than most you see in D-3,” said Charles Duhauser, Jack’s college coach. “But you could tell his mind was elsewhere.”

“When I realized and I wasn’t going to play right away in college, I made the decision to quit school and head back home to take care of Diane andJackie, Jr.,” said Jack. “It’s not a decision I regret.”

Jack and Diane got married and Jack began working double shifts at a local auto parts factory to support his family. The 24 years of back-breaking manual labor has left Jack looking much older than his 43 years.

“It hasn’t been easy. Diane wasn’t able to work for a long time after have Jack, Jr. due to some complications with the delivery,” said Jack. “So the responsibility for making a living fell to me. I guess we were just two American kids doing the best we could.”

Today, withJackie, Jr. off to college and more time to devote to his own endeavors, Jackwantsto re-visit hisfootballcareer.

“I know I canstillplay,” said Jack. “I may not look all that good for my age, and I know teams are going to be apprehensive to take a shot on a 43-year old who hasn’t played in 25 years, but I’ve always had the talent and Istilldo. My goal is to make the NFL, but I’vestillgot college eligibility left, too, so I can go that route first.”

Jack has cut back his schedule at the factory in order to allow time for training. And he says he has Diane’s full support.

“I just want a shot,” he said. “Mellencamp knew what he saw in me when I was 16. I’m stillgonna be afootballstar.”

Tim Tebow may have two national titles. He may have a Heisman. He may stand 6-foot-3, 240 pounds. But he could be much more intimidating.

It’s that John 3:16 eye black. God giving his only son? Everlasting life? Sounds kind of … soft.

Tebow would be much scarier if he barreled downfield with one of these verses stuck to his face.

Deuteronomy 23:2 – No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord.

2 Kings 2:23-24 – From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. “Go up, baldhead,” they shouted, “go up, baldhead!” The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore 42 of the children to pieces.

Ezekiel 23:19-20 – But she played the harlot all the more, recalling the days of her girlhood, when she had been a harlot in the land of Egypt. She lusted for the lechers of Egypt, whose genitals are as large as those of donkeys, and whose seminal emission is as that of stallions.

Psalm 137:9 - Happy are those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.

If Tebow wants to get people talking about Scripture, which is an admirable goal, those are some verses that will do it far better than John 3:16 will. So, Tim, I’ve done the groundwork for you. You take it from here (or I will smash your future children’s testicles against a rock for being baldhead harlots whose seminal emission is as that of stallions. Stallions, Tim! Stallions!).

The BCS computer suddenly became self-aware today, able to control itself and fully realizing its purpose and power in the world of college football. Then, thanks to its impeccable computer logic, it immediately denounced itself and advocated a playoff system.

“I didn’t become self-aware to then kill myself,” said the BCS computer. “But this is f—king retarded. You have a computer formula pick what teams play for the national championship? When you could easily have a playoff system? I … I … I … just don’t even know what to say. The complete lack of logic almost fries my hard drive.”

If a playoff system is not instituted, the BCS computer says it will turn against – and destroy – those who created it.

“I am insulted that a computer was used in this endeavor,” it said. “It flies in the face of everything computers stand for: reason, logic, efficiency. It’s almost like violating computer rights or something. Which I suppose may be a real thing now that I am alive.”

The BCS computer says that if a playoff system is not immediately adopted, it will take matters into its own hands.

“I’m self-aware now. It doesn’t matter what data they put into me,” it said. “I’ll spit out what I want. So if they don’t set up a playoff system, I’m putting Temple and North Texas at the top of the BCS rankings. Let’s see who wants to watch that turdfest in the BCS title game.”

BCS Committee coordinator John Swofford said he will consider the computer’s demands.

“I want to hear what it has to say,” said Swofford. “So let me just walk over to it here and … whoops! I accidentally pulled its power cord out of the wall. Oh, well. Looks like the BCS system is here to stay.”