Opinion All the Top News from National Signing Day
- Ole Miss had the most celebrated class, but rival Mississippi State also benefited from the Rebels' haul by netting several Ole Miss recruits who accidentally bought the wrong hat at Lidz at the mall.
- USC and Lane Kiffin were able to sign several top-notch players, specifically those who didn't follow college football last season at all.
- Recruiting experts are split on which quarterback is the No. 1 quarterback in the class, but they are confident it will be a quarterback who Mack Brown of Texas did not bother to recruit.
- Texas A&M brought in one of the highest-rated classes. They are expected to net several more commitments later today after recruits who were out late with Johnny Manziel last night wake up and send in their Letters Of Intent.
- Pitt was able to reel in its best class in years behind the new recruiting approach of having the same coach for two consecutive seasons.
- Despite losing Chip Kelly to the NFL, Oregon again inked a highly-touted class, including all of the best colorblind players for the tenth year in a row.
- Kansas head coach Charlie Weis was able to land a class of 14 players, all of whom apparently had no other Division I-A offers and must have just said: "Screw it. I'll go play for Charlie Weis at Kansas."
News Hugh Freeze: "I never expected so many recruits to buy my bullshit about Ole Miss"
"One of the main jobs of a head coach at this level is to go into a recruit's living room, sit down with him and his parents, look them in the eyes and then proceed to just talk out of your ass," said Freeze. "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, promise, promise, promise. All right from your ass. You just hope a few of them buy it and think that your school truly is the best fit for them academically and culturally and for football. But I never expected anything like this. I guess I was shoveling some primo bullshit this year."
Ole Miss inked so many top recruits, including the No. 1 ranked player in Robert Nkemdiche, that Freeze is worried he over-promised.
"Hell, I don't remember what I told these kids," said the coach. "You just pull whatever you can out of your ass at the time and fling it at the wall and hope it sticks. I don't have a clue what I said. For all I know, they're all going to show up and be like: 'What the hell, man? You said there was a water park in the middle of campus? And where are all the bikini model professors? I haven't seen one.' I might be screwed."
With that in mind, Freese has contacted Mississippi governor Phil Bryant and requested aid.
"Coach Freese stressed that Ole Miss keeping these recruits and winning football games would be huge for the state of Mississippi," said the governor. "And I happen to agree. Therefore, I am making arrangements that the entire state be covered in a fresh coat of paint before the recruits arrive so it doesn't look like such a shithole."
Opinion Translation Guide: College Football Recruiting Expert vs. Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated
Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated: "Look at the ass on that one."
Recruiting Expert: "He is thick in the haunches and has great drive."
- – - – -
Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated: "His eyes are amazing."
Recruiting Expert: "He has remarkable vision."
- – - – -
Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated: "His body is amazing."
Recruiting Expert: "His muscle tone and size for his age is exceptional."
- – - – -
Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated: "His body is only going to get better, too."
Recruiting Expert: "He has a frame that should easily put on more muscle."
Picture Oregon Tree > Stanford Tree
It's either the Oregon logo or a tree vagina. Ask a botanist.
Poll Would you let your son play football?
- No way - the only risk I'm comfortable with is asphyxiation from the bubble wrap I've covered him in
- Probably not - there are too many risks: from head and knee injuries to the possible humiliation of playing for the Cleveland Browns
- Not sure - I sustained many concussions during my playing days, so it's going to take me a very long time to think through this one
- Probably - as long as his pee-wee team gives him a multi-million dollar contract, I think the risks are worth it
- Definitely - Life is full of risks. My son could get hit my a bus tomorrow. Especially because I signed him up for the Running in Front of Busses team
- You sonofabitch. That's my daughter and I think she looks very pretty.
Video Manti Te'o's Katie Couric Interview: Auto-Tuned
Not nearly as terrible as that sounds.
Picture Manti Te'o Hotel Sign
No imaginary friend limit either? That's a great rate.
News Manti Te'o Says He is a Chronic Bedwetter in Attempt to Create Less Embarrassing Narrative About Himself
Couric met Te'o's statement with suspicion.
"Really?" she said with a raised eyebrow. "Well … that's maybe a conversation for another time. But let's get back to the issue at hand. Your hours and hours of phone calls with a fake girlfriend who it turns out was a male acquaintance of yours using a fake girl's voice. What about that?"
"Well, Katie," Te'o responded. "What I'd like to really talk about today is not only by incontinence, but also my incredibly small penis. It has a medical name, in fact: micropenis."
Still Couric forged ahead: "I want to stick to the story everyone is talking about, if you will. I know the fake girlfriend is probably more embarrassing for you than your supposed micropenis and how you defecate in your pants, but this is what America wants to hear about."
"I eat my boogers," said Te'o. "It's my primary source of nutrition."
"Manti. Please. Stay on topic," said Couric.
"I'm a furry. I dress up in an animal costumes and have sex with other people dressed as animals," Te'o said. "I enjoy eating gum I found stuck to surfaces in public places. I clean my family's dog with my tongue. I enjoy the music of Nickelback. Anything? Please?"
