What have you done to us, Brent Musberger?
"Johnny kicked ass," said Ryan. "I'd play Halo with him any day. A-plus."
By successfully completing a Halo 4 mission, Manziel earns three credits from Texas A&M towards his 12-credit, learn-at-home spring course load. He previously completed his final exams in three other courses: NCAA Football 13, Papa John's Pizza Ordering and an independent research study on the effects of sleeping past 11 a.m. on the human body. His final bit of work for the spring semester is due tomorrow.
"I have to write a 140-character paper on how cool it is to meet famous people," said the quarterback. "I submit it by tweet."
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"According to my agent, all of the teams backed away from me because they feel I am a 'total and complete moron,' to quote him," said Te'o. "He said they think I'm the dumbest person ever and they say that's even relative to other football players, which therefore and again, I'm quoting possibly makes me the 'dumbest person in the entire world.'"
Tom Condon, Te'o's agent, confirmed teams' sentiments towards the linebacker.
"Wow. Te'o remembered everything I said perfectly," said Condon. "Probably because I spoke very, very slowly and made him repeat the words back to me and also made sure there were no shiny objects in the room when I was talking to him."
He held the Heisman Trophy above his head as he ran across the stage, exiting stage right. Seconds later, a phalanx of topless young women ran across the stage in pursuit of Manziel.
"Johnny Manziel, ladies and gentlemen," commissioner Roger Goodell said, barely skipping a beat, after the models exited the stage. "What a kid, huh?"
NFL officials had reportedly been alerted before the draft that Manziel was partying in New York City Thursday night for a paper he is working for school called "Partying in New York City on the Night of the 2013 NFL Draft" and that an incident could occur.
That's a terrible defense.
This song makes trees die.
His knees probably hated that.
O-H! I-Owe the city money on parking tickets.