Filed Under » NCAAF

The NCAA responded today to the latest allegations leveled against one of its premier programs as NCAA president Mark Emmert spoke very candidly during a brief, five-minute press conference.

“We have reviewed all the facts relating to the Miami Hurricanes football program,” Emmert told reporters at the packed media event. “And really nothing seemed out of the ordinary. If it’s not obvious to everyone by now, and I don’t know how it could not be, players in all of our programs — good, bad and mediocre — are getting paid and doing strippers and blow. Have been for a while, too. So let’s move on, okay?”

Emmert said he actually found the level of corruption at Miami “adorably old-fashioned.”

“Really? Just one abortion that was paid for?” he said. “That’s well below average. I know of several programs where coaches have personally paid for abortions for players who have impregnated their wives — players they gave their wives to for sex. Miami is practically Amish compared to some of the shit I’ve seen.”

Many reporters questioned Emmert’s claim that every NCAA program is dirty, so the president then encouraged those gathered to shout out school names.

“Stanford,” said one reporter.

“They sacrifice a live hooker before each game,” said Emmert. “I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Next?”

Facing increased attention on the health and age of their 84 year-old head coach, Penn State admitted today that the man thought to be Joe Paterno has merely been someone dressed up in a JoePa costume since 1996.

“When Joe suddenly passed away 15 years ago after a full and happy life, we were in a bit of a bind,” said Penn State president Graham Spanier. “We didn’t really have a high-profile successor available, and Joe was so much the face of the program that we were worried what would happen to Penn State football if he was no longer the coach.”

One thing led to another and before Spanier and other Penn State officials knew it, a man dressed up as JoePa was on the sidelines for the 1996 opener against USC.

“We won the game and we went on from there,” said Spanier. “No one ever asked if the costume guy wasn’t Joe, so we never said anything. Plus, Joe had long since become sort of a mascot anyway, so making him a true mascot didn’t feel too misleading.”