Filed Under » NCAAF

The college sports landscape has shifted again after a small, but heavily fortified Big East force successfully took Boston College late last night and reclaimed it for the conference.

"Boston College is again Big East territory," said Big East commissioner Mike Aresco, speaking on video after the attack was complete from the office of deposed Boston College athletics director Brad Bates, the commissioner covered in blood and residue from explosions. "Let this be a warning for those who continue to try to pillage our conference: we will fight back, we will not quit and we will be victorious."

The feed then went out after Aresco used a sword to cut off the head of Boston College mascot Baldwin the Eagle.

In what associates are calling "the ultimate Saban dick move," Alabama head football coach Nick Saban phoned Big East commissioner Mike Aresco this morning to express "serious interest in joining the Big East."

"You should have seen the shit-eating grin on Nick's face while he was making the call," said an Alabama staffer who witnessed the conversation. "The whole time he was rolling his eyes and making wanking motions with his free hand. I thought it was really rude to a conference that is going through a hard time, but I didn't want to say anything or I'd lose my job or worse."

Aresco was reportedly ecstatic to receive the call from the Alabama coach.

"Oh, wow. Are you serious, Mr. Saban? You really want to join the Big East? That would be outstanding!" Aresco said.

"Hell, yeah. I'm serious," Saban replied, faking sincerity and enthusiasm. "I really like the nationwide conference you guys are building there. You stretch from UConn down to South Florida over to Tulane up to Boise State and all the way out to San Diego State. No other conference has that kind of footprint."

"Exactly! That's what I've been telling everyone!" Aresco almost yelled. "Oh, man, Nick. It's so good to hear someone like you say that. I have to tell you, we've had some really terrible days and months here. It's been ugly. People are worried the conference is going to die, that they're going to lose their jobs. But getting you? Getting Alabama? We're going to be just fine. More than fine, in fact. Oh, praise Jesus."