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David Stern is hoping to end the NBA lockout and bridge the final gap between the owners and players by finally admitting that he hates black people.

“I’ve tried to cover it up for years, but what’s the point?” said Stern. “I hate ‘em. A lot in fact. The players’ representatives are on to me. Now let’s get the season started so I can watch them run around every night for money. It’s the one joy of my life.”

NBA union attorney David Kessler was the latest to imply racism this week when he said that the owners were treating the players “like plantation workers.”

“It’s an issue that the players union is struggling to get past, so I felt it was better to just admit it,” said Stern. “You know, it actually feels really good to publicly admit for the first time that I’m a huge racist. Keeping my true self bottled up all these years isn’t healthy. But now I want to yell it from the mountaintops: ‘I HATE BLACK PEOPLE!’”