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“While everyone involved with the NBA and our millions of fans around the world were excited about the news, it turns out Steve thinks the NBA sucks and wishes the whole season would have been lost,” said Stern. “So that obviously changes things. The season is off.”

Steve, of course, works in your office and is of the opinion that the NBA is full of “greedy players and owners” who could “learn a thing or two about the real world by losing millions of dollars.” He also strongly believes that the NBA game “sucks and no one tries and I never watch any of their games, except some of the playoffs.”

All good points by Steve, which Stern acknowledged in his press conference.

“I said from Day 1 of the lockout that we wouldn’t restart the season unless everyone in the world professed a love for the NBA,” he said. “Based on Steve’s comments, that obviously hasn’t happened. So I must shutter the league, perhaps for good unless we can convince Steve to give us a shot.”

“At the 5-year and 10-year reunion, I was the life of the party — the coolest guy in the room. The guy everyone wanted to see and say hello to,” said Bryant. “But, man, a lot has changed since then. I went from the highest of highs to not even having a job. It’s humiliating.”

Bryant says he knows a lot of the people at the reunion will want to revel in his misfortune.

“You know how high school people are,” he said. “They’re happy to know you when you’re riding high, but they’ll stab you in the back if things go south. Everyone is going to want to see jobless Kobe Bryant so they can feel better about themselves and gossip about how I peaked too early in my life. Well, I’m not going to give them that opportunity.”

Instead of going to the reunion, scheduled for 8:00 p.m. on Friday at Smithwick’s Pub, Bryant said he is just going to bunker down at his mom’s house and watch TV.

“I just want to eat ice cream and get fat,” said Bryant. “My life sucks.”

The Bucks Stephen Jackson got the trend started, when he headed to the studio to work on his debut, “What’s A Lockout?” Soon after, teammate Brandon Jennings recorded his own album and the recording bug quickly spread around the league.

“The NBA and hip-hop have always been closely linked,” said music critic Dave Marsh. “It only made sense that some players would head to the recording studio during this extended hiatus. But this… this might be too much.”

Among the unlikely players coming out with albums this week are Timberwolves guard Ricky Rubio, 76ers sharpshooter Kyle Korver and Celtics reserve Carlos Arroyo, who confusingly collaborated with Pitbull on every track. And while this week marks the rap debut for many of the players, others are returning to the game after a long absence.

“I always thought the world needed a follow up to ‘K.O.B.E.’,” said Lakers star Kobe Bryant, whose rap debut was a critical and commercial failure. “On ‘M.A.M.B.A.’, I really get into the core of who I am.”