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NBA commissioner David Stern said today that he is "absolutely tickled to death" that the Memphis Grizzlies, up three games to one on Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder, "probably believe they're going to advance out of this round."

"It's just the dearest thing," said Stern. "I almost want to pinch Marc Gasol's fat cheeks."

Despite Memphis looking like the clearly superior team through the first four games of the series, Stern says he has put out the order to his officials that "under no circumstances" are the Grizzlies to close out the series.

"Both Los Angeles teams lost in the first round, Brooklyn lost, Boston lost, Chicago is on the way out, the Knicks are losing. I can't lose all of those big markets and a star of Kevin Durant's caliber," said Stern. "I mean, let's be reasonable here. I didn't build this league to where it is by giving people NBA Finals featuring the Memphis Grizzlies and Indiana Pacers. Nobodies versus nobodies. Not a chance."

In a decades-long study that looked at collegiate and major professional sports across the world, researchers revealed today that really shitty teams tend to believe that they never get any calls from officials.

The 55-year study, the longest running study in history on sports team and referee interaction, was a joint effort conducted by Harvard, Stanford and Oxford universities.

"The shittier the team, the more it tends to believe the refs are against them," said Roger Vance, a Harvard professor who announced the study's findings. "It was like this across all sports, and all levels of play, and every country. While good teams sometimes feel targeted by officials, shit teams inordinately blame refs for everything that goes agains them."

Fan behavior was also tracked by the researchers.

"As much as shitty teams complain about officiating, the fans of shitty teams complain exponentially more," said Vance. "In fact, we almost quit doing the study several times because we found these people to be so annoying."

Nathan Lippman, a 15-year-old homeschooled child from Branson, Missouri, set school and state single-game scoring records yesterday afternoon by putting up a whopping 118 points. The homeschool phenom likely could have scored even more but he stalled on offense for most of the fourth quarter to protect the feelings of his opponent – his mother, Sarah.

"I'm so proud of Nathan," said his mother. "We just did a month-long unit on fighting the sin of pride – I decided to do that instead of one on geometry – and he really exhibited humility today by not going for 150 on me. He is growing into a fine young man. And I'm sure if he knew geometry he would have acted like a real wiseacre out there today, so I obviously made the right decision."

Lippman says he has been working tirelessly at his game during his daily hour-long gym period his mother schedules for each weekday afternoon, which comes right after a two-hour class on the founding fathers and just before a five-minute science class.

"I was really in a zone," said Lippman. "I don't know how to describe it. I guess it was a combination of factors. Hard work. Prayer. The purity of not being tainted by public schools. I would even say there was a little luck involved, but then I know that luck is the sort of thing that only people who are involved in witchcraft or consumed by the sin of gambling believe in. So scratch luck off the list of factors. Mostly I'd say, though, my point total was due to playing against my mom. Mother stinks at basketball, but she's the only person I can play against – other than my nine younger brothers and sisters – because I am not allowed contact with children outside of our family."

Following Miami's blowout victory over the Chicago Bulls in Game 2 of their Eastern Conference semifinals series, Heat star LeBron James scooped Nate Robinson off the court, carried him into the locker room and placed the Bulls guard in a gym bag.

"My kids are going to love this little fella," said James, feeding Robinson bits of food he grabbed from the post-game, locker room spread. "Look how tiny he is. He's adorable."

James then called his kids and told them he had a surprise for them and that he'd be home soon. He then quickly dressed without showering, picked up his bag with Robinson inside it and exited for the players' parking lot.

"They're going to love playing with him," said a smiling James, on the way out. "I just hope they don't get too attached. I can't keep him. He has a home in Chicago."