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The NBA announced plans today for its first Winter Classic, featuring an outdoor game between the Los Angeles Lakers and Minnesota Timberwolves on January 29th in frigid Minneapolis.

“Basketball has a great heritage of playing outdoors in the winter,” said NBA commissioner David Stern. “I remember as a young boy going outside to shoot baskets, quickly freezing and being like: ‘Oh, shit, this was a bad idea. I’m going back inside.’ This game will celebrate that.”

Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant says he is excited to play in the first NBA Winter Classic.

“I grew up in Pennsylvania. We have some pretty harsh winters there,” he said. “I remember going outside to shoot for a few minutes, freezing and then going back inside to play video games for the rest of the day. My love of playing winter basketball for a few minutes helped me beat Contra on Nintendo, because I’d just stay inside all day doing nothing. And I beat it without the cheat code! I can’t wait to see what video games they have for us in Minnesota.”

An exhausted Kevin Garnett asked Celtics head coach Doc Rivers last night during Boston’s latest loss if it would be okay if he limits his defensive effort to intimidating glares and screams directed in the general direction of the opponent.

“I honestly don’t know how many more times I can run up and down the court,” said Garnett. “At least not without a rest in between. It’s like, 90-something feet, I think. And they want you to do it over and over and over again.”

Garnett, a 17-year NBA veteran, says he is confident he can intimidate the man he is guarding while sitting in the lane, waiting for the Celtics to return on offense.

“I’ve been perfecting my glare for almost 20 years,” he said, going into an elaborate glaring, screaming and flexing routine that lasted nearly five minutes. “My glare can bore a hole right through the back of a man’s head. Even from 90-feet away, which is where I will be sitting or, more likely, laying.”