A nine-year-old New Jersey boy was removed as head coach of the NBA's Nets on Sunday after investigators determined his age and that he was being forced by contract to coach the moribund basketball team in a rundown building among the refineries and swamps of northern New Jersey.
"Of all of my years in the department, this was among the worst cases I've seen," said Sandra Barker, an officer for the state's Child Protective Services agency. "He was forced to watch the Nets night after night for more than five years. As far as I'm concerned, there can be no punishment great enough for those responsible."
In addition to the deplorable working conditions and his age, the child, Lawrence Frank, was left with a roster featuring no more than two or three legitimate NBA starters resulting in an 0-16 start to the season.
"He's a good little boy," said Barker. "He deserved better. To his credit, he did have some success here a few years ago. I remember hearing that the team was competitive. There were playoff appearances. It wasn't always this bad. But they still never should have had a young child as coach. As bad as the Knicks are, they would never do something like this."
As the stress of being asked to hold down a job usually reserved for grown men five or six times his age built up, the success on the court diminished, leading to back-to-back seasons without making the playoffs and then a winless start to this season.
"I hate basketball," said little Frank upon his rescue. "I want to eat candy."
Child Services officers hope to reunite Frank with one of his former head coaches as an assistant.
"Maybe one day he can be a head coach again in the NBA," said Barker. "Decades from now when he's older and the memory of this is gone. I just hope he's not ruined forever."
NBA free agent Allen Iverson has struck a 10-minute deal with Ruby Tuesday restaurant hostess Lisa Tierney.The deal pays Tierney a base level of two months rent in exchange for fornication in the restaurant’s stockroom.
“When Allen came to Lisa Tierney, he said he wanted to stay in Lisa Tierney, and today he makes good on his promise,” said Leon Rose, Iverson’s agent.“This deal ensures that Allen won’t be going anywhere for the next 10 minutes.”
The deal is backloaded with multiple incentives, including an additional orifice penetration if Iverson performs at an All-Star level.Iverson also negotiated for an out clause after seven minutes, allowing him to wade back into free agency waters.And he has an option to pick up an additional 5 minutes of intercourse at the end of 10 minutes if he so chooses.
The deal almost never came to pass.
“There was an awful lot of posturing at the beginning,” Rose admits.“First, Allen held out.Then, Lisa held out.Then, Allen held out some more.Then, Lisa held out a little more after that.But then, we all bore down and hammered it out.Allen and Lisa came together at the very last minute.In my experience, that’s usually how these backdoor deals get done.”
But rival agents say the deal artificially drives up the market for player groupie payoffs.
“Two months rent?” said longtime agent Gus Franklin.“That’s absurd.A steak dinner is the MAXIMUM amount a floozie should be paid at that slot.”
At a press conference announcing the deal, Iverson appeared jovial.
“This was never about money,” he said.“This was about passion.I knew, when I saw Ms. Tierney, that her womanhood was where I wanted to be.I definitely want to finish out my career in this vagina.”
Officials for the Detroit Pistons and the Palace of Auburn Hills announced today the construction of 300 brand newsqualorsuites located in the general vicinity of the Pistons home arena.
“We owe it to the fans of Detroit to field the most competitive basketball team possible,” said team GM Joe Dumars.“But we simply couldn’t do that at our current revenue levels.Our hope is that the construction of these newsqualorboxes will help us bring in more talent, and revolutionize the game viewing experience for our fans.”
A recent staple of newer arenas and stadiums,squalorboxes can help increase the average team’s revenue by 20 to 50-percent.To help pay the $100 million needed for the construction of the new boxes, the Pistons brokered a deal with Auburn Hills officials that included the issuing of municipal bonds, and a one-cent rental car tax increase.The Pistons will contribute $10 million of their own money.
“This is a fair deal for the city of Detroit,” said Auburn Hills mayor Edward “Fast Eddie” Scagdiviglio.“It keeps the Pistons here, and it helps bring economic prosperity to the area.Just wait until you see these babies.They’re awesome.”
The boxes are designed by renowned Kansas City architecture firm Populous, and will consist of a six-foot by six-foot cardboard box (“double corrugated,” notes Scagdiviglio), placed in an alleyway no more than three miles from the arena, designated the Stratus Level of the Palace.Fans will be able to follow the game by listening to radio broadcasts blaring from the numerous police cruisers speeding through the metropolitan Detroit area.Amenities of everysqualorbox include a free used Wendy’s bag with a small amount of ketchup smeared on the inside, along with a shoebox for urination and defecation.Season-long leases for the boxes will retail for $4,000.
“Our goal was, simply put, to give some of our lower tier customers the opportunity to see real NBA basketball up close, with their families, at a reasonable price," said Dumars. "And this deal accomplishes that.”
But many decry the advent ofsqualorboxes.Squalorsuite holder Jez Maroney says, “I think, for $4,000, I deserve a box that has ONLY my urine in it.They’re phasing out the REAL fans with these boxes.”Many have also decried the widespread NBA team policy that allows luxury box patrons to spit onsqualorbox patrons at their leisure.
But Dumars scoffs at those complaints.“The fans are always our number one concern.We know this is a public trust.And that’s why thesesqualorboxes and NVIP suites are so crucial to the success of our team and our city.”
The Cavaliers entered this season on a mission to finish what they started in 2009. In their quest for a title, they have one crucial factor working in their favor: Lebron James is in a contract year, which should inspire him to really go out there and be productive.
“Lebron, the whole league is watching,” said guard Mo Williams. “If you impress people this year, you cash in next year. That’s what I’ve been telling him, and I think it’s getting through. He knows his future is at stake here. I think he’s gonna turn it up a notch.”
Williams said he remembers his own contract year, in which he put forth maximum effort in every game.
“It was all out, every game trying to prove I was worth bank,” said Williams. “You’ve got to crank it up to 11 for the contract year. That’s when you make your money. For Lebron, he just has to remember that teams are going to pay him based on what he does this year. So what better way to impress them than to win a title? After that, I don’t think anyone can pay him less than the max contract.”
The results are already showing up on the floor. According to teammates, Lebron has displayed a renewed sense of purpose and a laser-like focus this season. Even his coach, Mike Brown, has noticed a difference.
“You can always tell when a guy is in his contract year because he just has that extra burst of energy every night,” said Brown. “That’s great for everybody. It’s making the whole team better. That being said, Lebron will get a max contract next year even if he takes the entire season off to go train with the Taliban.”
For his part, James denies being motivated by anything other than his burning desire to win a championship.
“I’m not trying any harder because it’s my contract year,” he said. “That’s ridiculous. I’ve been trying hard since day one. But coach is right. No matter what I do, I’m getting a max contract anyway and probably a chunk of whichever team signs me. So I’m not trying hard because it’s a contract year. I’m trying hard because I’m a warrior, man and so I don’t reflect poorly on my corporate partners at Nike.”
Allen Iverson, whose time with the Memphis Grizzlies lasted just three games, has fired God as his agent the deity Iverson credited for bringing him to Memphis.
"God chose Memphis as the place I will continue my career," Iverson wrote on Twitter back in September.
Now he wishes he had never been mixed up with God.
"He promised me everything if I just listened to Him," said Iverson. "He promised me heaven. He promised me eternity. And then I get to Memphis and I'm sitting on the bench? That's a long way from heaven."
Iverson, a 14-year NBA veteran, says he should have known better than to get himself mixed up with God.
"There are so many agents out there who promise you things they just can't deliver on," said Iverson. "They have no track record, no experience. I should have sniffed it out. It was a rookie mistake. It's not like God is placing his clients in all of these great places. Definitely not in the NBA. And, hell, even in other sports. Even Kurt Warner plays for the Arizona Cardinals, man."
Iverson also didn't care for God's insistence that he tithe 10-percent of his income on top of his 10-percent agent's cut.
"Do you want to know His second choice after the Grizzlies?" Iverson said. "He wanted me to play in Israel.Israel, man, Israel. He was talkin' bout Israel. Not in the NBA, not in America. Israel."
During heated intercourse with longtime girlfriend Savannah Brinson, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar Lebron James reportedly cried out the name KNICKS while in the throes of ecstasy.
“We were just having a nice evening, doing our thing,” said Brinson.“He was on top of me, grinding and pumping, when all of a sudden he just blurts the name right out.And I was like, ‘Hold up.Did you just say what I think you said?Did you just call me KNICKS?’And he just shook me off, saying, ‘Oh, no no.I was saying NICE.Like, this is some real nice intercourse we’re having.’But I know I heard what I heard.”
Brinson says this is not the first time James, who is slated to become an unrestricted free agent in the summer of 2010, has had his mind elsewhere during intercourse.
“When LeBron and I are making love, I expect him to be focused on ME,” she says.“But he’s always closing his eyes when we’re doing it, so I know he’s trying to visualize someone else.And just last week, I swear he screamed out D’ANTONI.He tried to tell me he was saying DAMN, HONEY.But he be creepin’.”
Brinson says she’s long been suspicious of her boyfriend’s constant flirtations with the Knicks, and the city of New York in general.“Oh, he’s always talking about the Knicks.ALWAYS.I see the way he looks at them.He’s always laughing around Nate Robinson, playfully punching him on the shoulder.Sometimes, I catch him talking to the Knicks late at night on the phone.And I’ll say, ‘Who was that?’And he’ll be like, ‘Nobody.’”
Brinson becomes emotional at the thought.
“I thought he loved me.We grew up through this together.We’ve been through a lot.But I guess his heart wants what it wants.I don’t know how much more I can take of this.Just last night, he asked me to role play Donnie Walsh.”