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Lebron James announced his "Decision" Thursday night before a nationwide audience on ESPN. He intends to sign with the Miami Heat. But the Heat quickly issued a statement saying they have no interest in signing the basketball superstar.

"Yeah, thanks for your interest, Lebron," read the brief press release from the Heat. "But the last few weeks have opened our eyes to a little fact: You're kind of a dick. No, not 'kind of.' That's an understatement. You are massive, egotistical dick, the likes of which we have never seen in professional sports. And that's really saying something. So we don't really want to be associate with you. Again: thanks for your interest in being employed by the Heat, but we'll pass and go ahead with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. Good luck in your future endeavors! And we'll keep your resume on file."

The rejection means James won't play in Miami and can sign with the Knicks, Bulls, or Nets — or return to Cleveland. But considering all those franchises were initially spurned by James' announced intention of playing for the Heat, they may not still welcome him with open arms.

In fact, the Bulls also issued a statement immediately after his announcement that read: "Hey, Lebron: get f—ked."

While Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov was reportedly overheard telling people: "I will have him killed. This Lebron James shall die."

The Knicks or Cavaliers are now Lebron's most likely destination.

"We're pissed. I made that clear," said Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. "But we're also kind of desperate."

"As desperate as us? Not likely," read a statement from the Knicks. "We are easily more pathetic."

Paul the octopus has gained worldwide fame for his string of successfully picking winners in this year's World Cup.

But before we declare him a cephalopod genius, let's remember he knows dick about anything outside of international soccer.

As a way of expressing his undying love for both Chicago sports teams and his life partner Greg, Chicagoan Mark Davis publicly announced his homosexuality to the backdrop of the classic Chicago Bulls entrance theme.

“This has been something I’ve been meaning to do for some time now, but I could never figure out just how to go about it,” said Davis, 28, “And I was watching the ’96 finals on ESPN Classic, inspiration struck.”

After rounding up his family and closest friends at his South Side apartment living room last Thursday, Davis proceeded to play Alan Parsons Projects’ "Eye In The Sky". Davis even went so far as to hire former Bulls announcer Ray Clay, who took the microphone which was attached to a newly-installed surround sound system.

“Aaaaannd now, a 5’11” homosexual from Chicago, Illinois… Mark Davis!” said the longtime public address man. Davis then entered the strobe light-filled room, bumped chests with his partner, and proceeded to go down the couch, giving high fives to each family member.

“I’m not really sure how to feel about this," said Davis’ father, Ted. "On the one hand I don’t support my son’s lifestyle choice, but on the other hand I’m just too f—king pumped to really care. I mean, come on … Let’s go Bulls!”

Though they weren’t really sure just how Mark could have possibly become gay, everyone in attendance at the announcement was pretty sure it was all Steve Bartman’s fault.

Lebron is having his Lebron-fest on ESPN at 9:00 p.m. ET.

But other networks are trying to get in on the Lebron hysteria by Lebron-ifiying their own 9:00 p.m. shows. Take a look …

"So You Think You Can Dance" — FOX

Original TV Guide Description: One of the top 8 dancers is eliminated.

Updated Description: One of the top 8 dancers is given a minimum-salary NBA contract to become one of LeBron's teammates and take part in his choreographed pre-game dance routines.

"Antiques Roadshow" — PBS

Original TV Guide Description: Part 1 of 3 in Salt Lake City includes a quilt depicting scenes from Mormon history, a Utah landscape by artists Birger Sandzen and documents chronicling the career of actor Philip Margetts.

Updated Description: Part 1 of 3 in Salt Lake City includes former LeBron teammate Carlos Boozer begging him to play in Chicago. Shaquille O’Neal and Ray Allen also appear.

"Lost Worlds" — History Channel

Original TV Guide Description:In the second-season opener, the Seven Wonders of the World are explored.

Updated Description: In the second-season opener, the Seven Teams with Maximum Cap Space are explored.

"Rookie Blue" — ABC

Original TV Guide Description: Andy wrestles with a dilemma, while the other rookies are ready to duke it out at a charity event.

Updated Description: Andy and his friend LeBron wrestle with a dilemma, while the other free agents are ready to duke it out over who gets stuck joining the Clippers.

"CSI" — CBS

Original TV Guide Description: Two female friends are murdered in separate locations on the same night after they each flirted with a man at a hotel.

Updated Description: Two NBA fanbases are murdered in separate locations on the same night after they each flirted with a man demanding a max contract and "global icon" status.

"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" — Discovery Health

Original TV Guide Description:A woman is at sea when she start to develop severe abdominal cramps in the middle of the night.

Updated Description: A man is in the playoffs when he starts to develop severe choking in the middle of the second round.

"Newlywed Game" — GSN

Original TV Guide Description: Carnie Wilson hosts a new version of the classic game show featuring recently married couples who compete for prizes by predicting their spouses' answers to silly or suggestive questions.

Updated Description:David Stern hosts a new version of the classic game show featuring recently signed players and their new teammates, who compete for prizes by predicting how many championships they'll watch the Lakers win in the next five years.

"17 Again" — HBO

Original TV Guide Description:A former high-school basketball star gets a second shot at life after he's miraculously transformed back into a teenager.

Updated Description:A former high-school basketball star gets a second shot at life after he's miraculously transported out of his hometown by a maximum-salary contract.

"Jersey Shore" — MTV

Original TV Guide Description: The crew takes Atlantic City by storm, but the fun ends when Mike starts messing with Snookie and JWoWW. Later, one roommate opens up about her struggles with an eating disorder.

Updated description: LeBron takes Newark by storm, but the fun ends when he realizes his new teammates are Snookie and JWoWW. Later, LeBron opens up about his struggles with a winning disorder.

“Perro Amor” – Telemundo

Original TV Guide Description: Un hombre y una mujer haven una apuesta peligrosa en que no pueden enamorarse mutuamente o de otra persona, lo que acarreara graves conflictos economicos, familiars y afectivos.

Updated description: Un hombre y una mujer haven una apuesta peligrosa en que no pueden enamorarse mutuamente o de otra persona, lo que acarreara graves conflictos economicos, familiars y afectivos. Y LEBRON!

Lebron James is scheduled to announce where he will sign as a free agent on Thursday night at 9:00 p.m. ET during a special ESPN broadcast.

The televised event has prompted long lines outside of the several television shops in Cleveland, the only remaining American city that has yet to completely adopt television technology.

"I've been wanting one for years," said Cavaliers fan Walter Mischak, standing in a line outside of Hempy's TV And Radio Shop downtown. "But, like most people here in Cleveland, we can't really afford one. That's why I'm hoping they'll take a trade of my prize chicken here."

Hempy's TV owner Randy Hempy says he hasn't seen demand for televisions this high since the moon landing in 1969.

"I am almost completely sold out of my 14-inch, wood paneled, Admiral TV sets," he said. "At $129.99 they're the deluxe, most top-of-the line TV on the market. The Cleveland market."

While many Cleveland residents are trying to find the money to purchase a television, others are refusing to jump on the "fad."

"I won't be burned twice," said Cavaliers fan Steven Domchelski. "I caved a few months ago and bought a cassette player at my neighborhood pawn shop. I wasn't impressed. I'll just wait to get my Lebron news like I get most of my news: word-of-mouth, town crier or oral history."

The deal is done. After careful thought and consideration, Lebron James has announced he is signing a 2-year contract with Verizon Wireless as his cell phone carrier.

"When it came down to it, it made sense to stick withVerizon," James said. "I've already got FIOS TV service, andVerizon's selection of Android mobile phones is very enticing."

The agreement with Verizonallows James to purchase the new Droid X at a low subsidized price and makes him eligible to upgrade to the hottest new phones after just 12 months — or get an entirely new phone, with a contract renewal, every two years.

James also considered contracts with Sprint and AT&T. The latter was expected to land the former Cavaliers star with its new iPhone 4, but James was lured toVerizonafter receiving assurance from the store manager that Verizon would soon be adding top phones.

"We're working with Apple on a sign-and-trade deal to bring the iPhone toVerizon," said manager Chris Dalman, manager of Verizon Wireless store #22341 in Akron, Ohio, where James signed his contract. "At that point, we'll begin negotiating an extension with LeBron, too."

Dwyane Wade, currently locked into a long-term deal with T-Mobile, was hoping to lure James and Chris Bosh over to his current service, so he could add them to his Fave 5. But the service's lack of a revolutionary smartphone was reportedly a dealbreaker for James.

After failing to sign James, AT&T has said it will turn its attention to Joe Johnson, who is said to be displeased with his current Sprint service. Johnson is known to frequent Atlanta's Lenox Square Mall, which has an Apple store, as well as an AT&T kiosk near the food court.

James reportedly did not consider getting a beeper, despite the urging of several members of the New York Knicks organization who swear by the devices.

As Lebron James enters free agency, what else is he doing besides deciding on a long-term relationship?

Here are what all of his free agency options would be if they were women.

Cleveland and Chicago got a lot of publicity for erecting billboards in an effort to lure Lebron James to town.

But Lebron James isn't the only free agent. And other NBA cities have put up billboards in hopes of getting different players to sign.