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Representatives of the Miami Heat have sent a letter to NBA Commissioner David Stern formally requesting that they be allowed to play their entire season on paper, the Associated Press has reported.

In the letter, the Heat front office explain how the sheer amount of effort and money that was put into this off season should exempt them from having to compete in real life this season, because, “any contest involved between the team we have assembled on paper and any other collection of players in the NBA would be both unnecessary and fruitless for the players, the fans, and league as a whole. I mean, come on, have youseenour roster? This is some ‘NBA Live Franchise Mode’ sh*t going on here.”

Team President Pat Riley was adamant in saying that they’re not looking for the easy way out.

“Don’t get me wrong, we still want to play all 82 regular season games," he said. "We just want to play them by matching up each individual player against his opponent of the corresponding position, and then through a mathematical evaluation based on probability, determine who would win the game if we were to actually play, which we don’t want to.”

Commissioner David Stern rejected the Heat’s offer, saying that every team has to play each other in live-action competition, adding “besides, when the lockout happens next year we’ll all be playing on paper anyways.”

While NBA legends Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson have come out to say that they would never have chosen to join forces with other NBA stars to win a title, former Chicago Bulls forward — and three-time NBA champion — Jud Buechler said today that Lebron James made the right decision by signing with Miami.

"Could I have tried to win one myself?" said Buechler, speaking to no one in particular on the back porch of his house. "Sure. That would have been great. But I tried to do that with the Nets, Spurs and Warriors. And not only did I not win a title, but I often didn't even get in games. That's when I knew I needed to make a move."

Following the 1993-1994 season, Buechler chose not to re-sign with Golden State — partly because he wasn't offered a contract, and partly for the opportunity to play with Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen.

"You know, all respect to Michael, but it's sort of convenient for him to come out and say that he never would have done what Lebron did," said Buechler. "But he already had Scottie on his team. And then I came along, too. It's not like he did it by himself. I averaged 2.7 points per game during our three-peat."

Those mid-90s Bulls teams are regarded among the greatest teams in NBA history, and Buechler's name is listed on the roster.

"I know it is. I check to make sure it's still there regularly," he said. "At the end of the day, careers are measured by championships. Lebron knows that. And I think someday he'll be mentioned in the same sentence as Bill Russell, Magic, Michael, Kobe, and Jud."

Hollywood legend Meryl Streep expressed interest in playing for the Miami Heat today, saying that playing the role of the team's point guard or center would be "the role of a lifetime."

"I have never wanted a part so much in my life," Streep told Entertainment Tonight. "I have two Academy Awards and seven Golden Globes, but winning a ring would be the achievement of my career."

Streep has expressed interest in playing Speedy McCoy, a quick, young and talented point guard, but one who has a lot to prove. She has also pitched Heat president Pat Riley the character of Rodney Thomas, a veteran, world-weary NBA center who just wants to play a role and help his team win.

"I played Julia Child in Julie & Julia," said Streep. "Julia was 6-foot-2 and I pulled that off, so I see no reason why I couldn't do 6-foot-10 Rodney."

An added challenge for Streep is that both of the characters she is interested in are muscled black men, but she feels those challenges can be met with "a good Hollywood trainer and the makeup chair. Or special effects is another option. Jim Cameron got Sigourney [Weaver] to look like a giant, young, blue woman in Avatar. I'm the same age as Sigourney. A tall black man would not be a problem."

Riley said he is considering Weaver for a part on the Heat.

"She is one of the greatest actors of all-time and I am confident she can play any character she puts her mind to," he said. "And, obviously, she's a much better option that someone like Penny Hardaway. I just don't know if we can get her for the right money or if she fits the target market of our team."

Riley is reportedly intrigued by bringing in the "younger, bustier" Lindsay Lohan. "This team will need someone to do the dirty work," said a front office source. "And after doing time, Lindsay should be plenty scrappy and ready to prove herself."

NBA forward Hedo Turkoglu was set to join the Phoenix Suns, but his stay in Arizona may be short after he was detained by state troopers yesterday under suspicion of being an alien.

"We are cracking down on illegal aliens in Arizona," said Arizona governor Jan Brewer. "But we must also be vigilant against regular aliens, too."

Turkoglu was nabbed by police in downtown Phoenix after a meeting with Suns officials. The officer who detained him noted in his records that "the suspect looks freakish," "is nearly 7-feet tall," "with ridiculous eyes, teeth, hair and facial features," "does not appear to be human and is a definite alien," and also: "if he is human, what a sad, pathetic-looking bastard."

The former Kings, Magic and Raptors marksman denied that he was an alien, but was taken into custody anyway when he spoke in broken English.

"I am told it wasn't Mexican talk, thank goodness," said Gov. Brewer. "But it definitely wasn't American either. It's probably the accent from whatever planet he is from."

Officials were tipped off to Turkoglu by several 9-1-1 calls reporting a "suspicious life form," "the ugliest f—king person I've ever seen," and "Hedo Turkoglu, a washed up piece of crap who I hope is not in town because the Suns are planning to get him, 'cause that would pretty much doom our chances for next season."

Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert held a press conference today to address the fallout from Lebron James departure, but spoke the entire time in a lisping, falsetto voice, undercutting many of the valid points he tried to make.

"It's time Lebron James grows up. He's a man now, not a teenager. And he needs to start acting like a man," Gilbert said to uproarious laughter. "I simply expected a measure of maturity from him and an understanding that this is a serious situation that impacts more people than just him," he added, many of his words completely drowned out by the laughter of those who had long since stopped listening to him in order to make jokes about his absurd and completely unnecessary voice.

"The people of Cweevelan demand WEESPECK!" Gilbert shrieked.

Gilbert then left the press conference to drive around Cleveland, house-to-house, to personally guarantee to Cavaliers fans that the organization would do everything it can to bring home a winner. But his oversized clown car had trouble navigating some of the city's narrower streets.

Aaah-OOOGA! Aaah-OOOGA! Gilbert sounded the car's horn as he entered each neighborhood. Outside of the many homes that refused to answer the door, he left a letter written in comic sans font.

"I decided to wite them all myself in colored markers on postee-board," the owner yelped. "It's the best way to deewiver an impowtant message!"

Workers have removed the iconic "We Are All Witnesses" billboard of Lebron James in downtown Cleveland.

What has been put up in its place is far more depressing than the empty side of a building would have been.