Filed Under » NBA

Lakers star Kobe Bryant was expected to be out indefinitely with a severely sprained left ankle, but the team announced today that he will play tomorrow after cutting the offending body part from his body.

"Before our shoot-around this morning, Kobe cut out his left ankle using trainer's tape scissors. No anesthetic," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "It was pretty amazing to see. His will to win is unparalleled."

With the ankle bone and the surrounding tissue cut away, Bryant then reattached his left foot to the bottom of his fibula using a shoelace for stitches. He then stood up and addressed his teammates.

"Look at this!" Kobe commanded, holding the chunk of bone and flesh that was his ankle. "This was my ankle. It was not committed to winning. It tried to stop me from achieving my goal of winning a championship. So I cut it out. Let that be a lesson to all of you."

"I was really inspired," said forward Pau Gasol, while vomiting. "Also, I'm scared for my life. Playing with a psychopath is both inspirational and terrifying."

Dwight Howard loudly booed Orlando Magic fans in his first game back at Amway Arena on Tuesday night. Howard booed the fans the moment they entered the arena and every time they touched their drinks or nachos.

"I think they deserved it," said Howard. "I like them when I was here, but I have since realized they are some of the worst fans in the NBA, if not in all of sports. They rarely fill the seats and there is no atmosphere in this arena. They suck and that's why I booed them."

Magic fans admit they had hoped Howard would give them a warm welcome, but say weren't surprised by the negative reception.

"Look, I can understand the hard feelings," said a season ticket holder. "It is what it is. But I will still always remember Dwight's time here fondly."

Howard didn't stop at booing and heckling the Magic fans. He also held up signs with messages including "YOUR TEAM SUCKS," "OVERRATED" and "ORLANDUDS." When he exited the game, he wore a t-shirt featuring a picture of the Amway Arena crowd alongside pictures of an equal sign and a pile of steaming feces.

Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose has upped his pledge that he will return from injury when he is 110-percent to 345-percent, causing concern on the team that Rose has been suffering from a severe and undiagnosed concussion.

"Oh, man. What do we do now?" said head coach Tom Thibodeau. "What if his brain has been bleeding for the past year? That would be really serious. The playoffs start in a month."

The Bulls figured Rose's previous "110-percent" pronouncement, while illogical, was nothing more than an athlete spouting a common sports cliche. General manager Gar Forman now wishes he had pushed Rose more on the initial number.

"Maybe I should have asked him if he understood numbers and percentages and how they work," said Forman. "He's a smart guy. He knows better. He has to know, if his brain is working correctly, that 345-percent is not a thing. They had to have covered that in some class in high school or at Memphis, right?"

Unfortunately, Rose — who has called his own shots in his rehab from reconstructive knee surgery — says he will not submit to a CT scan of his brain "until I feel 617-percent."