#25 Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown
Origin: Remember how your parents told you to be careful around power tools? They weren't kidding. When future MLB pitcher Brown was a young man he accidentally put his hand in his family farm's feed chopper. The chopper's blades cut off most of his index finger, and a later fall on the same hand permanently mangled the middle finger on his pitching hand.
His maimed fingers, though, turned out to be a blessing when they enabled him to put massive amounts of spin on his pitches. Hitters couldn't get balls in the air against Brown, and he won 239 games on his way to the Hall of Fame. So, the lesson here is clear: if your Major League dreams are looking improbable, try sticking your hand in a woodchipper. Can't hurt! (Outside of the excruciating pain.) This is the look you'll want to go for:
#24 "The Flying Housewife" Fanny Blankers-Koen
Origin: The track events at the 1948 Summer Olympic Games in London got a bit more interesting when Dutch runner Fanny Blankers-Koen tied on her spikes. She was 30 years old, a mother of two children, and ready to kick some serious tail. Blankers-Koen ended up winning four gold medals at the games, which propelled her to international fame as the wife and mother who outran everyone else.
And while the picture of Fanny below may not suggest it, she was a confirmed MILTF. (A mom I'd like to do track and field with. Duh.)
"This team has been through a lot already. We've been getting humiliated as professional baseball players, as men, day after day after day," said manager Bo Porter. "It's tough physically and mentally. But as I told the team today, we're more than 4-percent of the way through this thing. We've got a little less than six months now. Only 155 games and we're done. So just be strong and finish."
Porter says his motivational speech was met with mixed reactions.
"A few guys just silently wept," he said. "Some just stared ahead, not moving. A few others asked if they could quit. One guy, I think he is a pitcher, slit his throat and bled out on the floor in front of his locker. Not exactly the high energy reaction I had hope for from the guys, but I'm new at this managing thing."
Oooooooh! That's a naughty word.
He must be more of a Bengals fan.
That guy looks worse than Justin Verlander in a World Series.
This almost makes up for a lifetime of losing.
1. Everyone roots for underdogs.
Look at the wisdom of everyone. See the highest-rated shows on broadcast TV? See the albums that are at the top of the charts? See the crap everyone shovels into their mouths? Everyone is a moron. Your life's goal should be to never go along with what everyone does.
2. Underdogs are just pre-overdogs.
How does one become a hated favorite? By winning. If an underdog wins, they're no longer an underdog. The moment that clock hits double-zeroes and they're ahead on the scoreboard, you're beloved "underdog" is an overdog and you're nothing but a front-running bandwagon fan.
3. Rooting for underdogs glorifies failure.
Want to know the only way to become an underdog? Weeks, months, years or even decades of sustained sucking. Yep, the only reason to become an underdog is by having a long track record of failure. And now you're going to cheer that team on? You're going to put all of your support behind an outfit that was defined by stinking? You're going to reward failure over sustained excellence? Wow. No wonder the world's going down the crapper. You and your underdog-loving brethren are to blame.
He has his alarm set for 81 wins.
Picture Rays Mascot Hates Steve Irwin
Bindie Irwin is going to kill that mascot with a spear.
Time to shut down baseball. It can get no better than this.