Filed Under » MLB

By Jim Spetzko, Local Baseball Fan

Hey, Mike!Mikey!I gotta piss!You gotta piss?Let’s piss together!At the stadium urinal trough!And let’s talk while we do it!Let’s talk CRAZY LOUD AND SHIT!

It’s gonna be awesome!I can tell you how many beers I’ve had!I’VE HAD AT LEAST FIVE!I’VE GOT A BUZZ!LET’S GET MORE, SO THAT WE CAN BE MORE BUZZED!CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH BEERS COST HERE?LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH THE BEER COST!

Let’s stand right next to each other at the trough and talk louder than anyone else in the bathroom, so that people know we’re having a good time!I can check other scores on my Blackberry and then relay those scores to you!Dude, the Yankees are up by five!THEY ARE PLAYING SOME SICK BALL RIGHT NOW!

Oh, man.There aren’t two adjacent open spots at the urinal trough!Let’s piss on opposite sides of the trough and STILL TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!Let’s be so loud that anyone trying to urinate between us gets stagefright and can’t piss at all until we leave!Let’s see if we can make their bladders shrink to the size of a golf ball!BRO, I GOTTA TELL YOU ABOUT THIS CHICK I BANGED LAST NIGHT!HER FATHER’S DEAD AND THAT MADE THE SEXY CRAZY GOOD!

Hey, here comes our third loud friend!And he has to piss too!Let’s finish pissing and then linger behind him while he pisses and yells back at us over his shoulder!That way, people still trying to piss at the stadium trough will still be unable to function!At all!Let’s see if their excretory systems eventually explode, flooding us all in a pool of blood and urine!They’re probably hoping we won’t notice that they can’t piss.LET’S POINT THAT OUT TO THEM SO IT TAKES THEM EVEN LONGER TO GET THEIR URINE FLOWING!HEY BUDDY, YOU KNITTING A SWEATER OVER THERE?!

Let’s get nachos and hang out in here the rest of the game!I’M IN NO HURRY OF ANY SORT!I’M FINE WITH EXITING THE BATHROOM MORE SLOWLY THAN A SLUG CHOPPED IN HALF!THIS IS A GREAT TIME!

I THINK I HAVE TO PISS AGAIN!

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The Mets may be off to one of their worst starts to a season in franchise history at 65-87, but the team is looking to put that behind them as quickly as possible and get back into contention by the end of the season.

"Every team wants to get out of the gate fast," said manager Jerry Manuel. "That obviously didn't happen for us this year. But I think we showed the last few seasons that it's more important how you finish than how you start."

With that goal in mind, the Mets have looked to be putting the sluggish first five and a half months of the season behind them, winning two of their last four. Although they have dropped the last two.

"That's okay," said Manuel. "You can't get it all back at once. We dug ourselves a 150-game hole. It will take a while to climb back out. I'm just glad to see the team is out there playing hard. This is a talented bunch. The results will come in time."

If and when those results do arrive, the Mets will be peaking at the right time thanks to a bevy of players ready to come off the disabled list and help their World Series push.

"In a way, our poor start actually gives us an advantage over all the other teams," says general manager Omar Minaya. "They're coasting into the playoffs and we're already in the playoff mindset, plus many of our currently injured players will be fresh come October. I am excited about where we are. I know that might sound crazy."

Especially because the Mets were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention 10 days ago.

"That is negative thinking," says Manuel. "Champions don't think that way."

Frankie Walker, a horrible backup shortstop for the Class A Visalia Oaks, was praised today by his manager and teammates for being good at all the little, inconsequential things that, taken together, are a poor barometer of whether or not someone is actually a good baseball player.

“Oh, Frankie’s a real gamer, “ said Oaks manager Dan Felton of his putrid protégée.“He hustles to first base on every ground ball, which he hits a lot of.He studies tape.He keeps notes on every pitcher.He’ll slide in at an angle to break up the double play.His does all the little things perfectly.It’s just the big things – like hitting, running, and throwing – where he blows.And I mean really blows, like a Dutch whore.”

“You talk about a guy who works hard,” said Oaks right fielder JaJuan Hodge.“Frankie’s always the first one here, talking with the coaches about working pitch counts, honing his swing.His level of detail incredible.If only he weren’t so small, and weak, and useless.”

Walker, whose inability to hit the ball borders on the comedic, has become a fan favorite among the Visalia faithful for his take-no-prisoners approach to the game.

“You can just see how much the game means to him, “ said season ticket holder Henry Caron.“One time, I saw him barrel right into the catcher at home.He was out by mile, because he’s slower than death.But still, what scrappiness!”

“He does a lot of things that don’t show up on the stat sheet,” said Felton of Walker, who is currently batting .098 and hasn’t driven in a run since June 19th.“If there was a stat for courage to take inside pitches, you can bet Frankie would lead the league in it.It’s just a shame that what does show up on the stat sheet – home runs, RBI’s, runs – are really all that matters.I almost wish we could get rid of crucial game elements like hitting and catching, so that a guy like Frankie could truly flourish in our league.”

Many also went out of their way to praise Walker, who is terrible at his job and should be fired, for being a good person.

“We’re lucky to have him," wrote Oaks beat writer Tom Maxon.“You spend five minutes with him, and you learn so much about the game.But you also learn about yourself as a person.He’s someone who believes in family, and personal accountability.He’s a great husband and Christian.I think Frankie will be a great manager one day, so long as he is not a player-manager.”

“Frankie plays the game the right way,” said Felton, “he just doesn’t play it very well.If I weren’t so blinded by his terrific work ethic, I’d cut his ass on the spot.”

Former Cuban national team pitcher Romario Marte, a recent high-profile detection to the United States, was ordered by U.S. officials today to go back to his homeland, where he will face immediate execution.

"We can't just take in anyone to this country anymore," said a U.S. immigration official who was willingly to speak on Marte's case, albeit anonymously. "Romario's fastball clocked only in the low 80s and it had little to no movement. He's going to be killed when he gets to Cuba, but he would have been killed worse by major league hitters."

Marte's status was also hurt by the fact that he reportedly lied on his application for asylum, stating that his fastball clocked in the low 90s, and that he also had a slider, curveball and some sort of Cuban version of a gyroball called a "pitch de los pendejo."

"We could have maybe overlooked the difference in fastball mph — everyone who immigrates here from Latin countries fudges their fastball speed and their native league OPS," said the immigration official. "But in the throwing session I oversaw, there was no evidence for this pendejo pitch. And I don't like being taken for some a—hole."

While losing the backing of immigration officials ultimately sealed Marte's fate, it was lost interest among top major league teams that set the wheels in motion towards what will be his eventual execution.

"His representatives have been reaching out to us for several years now, talking him up," said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, who was set to engage in a bidding war for Marte's services with the Red Sox and Mets. "We had the structure of a $95 million deal in place."

But when Cashman saw Marte's radar gun printouts, the deal was off.

"I can't give out $95 million in this economy for a pitcher who can only throw 83 mph," he said. "Those days are over. I could see $65 million, but not much more."

It's unlikely Marte will see that money, though, as he's in a U.S. immigration detention center in Miami, awaiting a flight back to Cuba where he will be turned over to government officials and then shot, hung and electrocuted in front of his wife and children and Fidel Castro.

"I don't want to die," Marte said through an interpreter. "I started off my throwing session by throwing my change-up, to show them I understand the intricacies of pitching. But then they take me off the mound and send me here. If only they would give me another chance, I would throw my fastball and my pitch de los pendejo."

Washington Nationals veterans conducted their annual hazing of the team's rookies today, forcing their humiliated teammates to dress up in Washington Nationals uniforms.

"I know it's all in good fun and every team hazes their rookies every year," said rookie pitcher Ross Detwiler. "But I was hoping for something less embarrassing and degrading. Like maybe having to dress up in lingerie. Or drink bull semen. Anything but this."

Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman said he was forced to put on a Nationals jersey when he was drafted by the franchise in 2005 and he's going to make sure every young player who comes after him has to go through the same thing.

"This puts them in their place and it teaches them a lesson about life," said Zimmerman. "It teaches them that life sucks. Do you think I wanted to wear this uniform? Of course not. It torments me every day. But watching other people suffer through the same emotional pain brings me some relief."

And while Zimmerman says the annual rookie hazing will continue, he did think this year's ritual went a bit too far, as several Nationals rookies began weeping and begging for mercy. Rookie shortstop Ian Desmond, not understanding that he didn't have to keep the uniform on forever, picked up a cinder block and jumped into the team's whirlpool to try to drown himself.

"We didn't want anyone to die," said Zimmerman. "Only die inside."

Detwiler said the veterans succeeded.

"It wasn't just that we had to put Nationals uniforms on," he said. "We have to do that for every game. It's that they made us go out in public with them on and wear them home. I've been telling my friends and family that I work as an accountant. But then today I show up in a Nationals jersey. I'll never be able to shake the look of shame that was in my parents' eyes."

Something called Scott Feldman is 17-5 with a 3.62 ERA for the Texas Rangers. He is receiving serious Cy Young consideration. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Scott Feldman.

Scott Feldman was born February 7, 1983, in Kailua, Hawaii. Many consider Feldman to be the greatest Kenyan-born pitcher of all-time.

Feldman is 6-foot-5 and was big from his youth. In fact, his father told the San Francisco Chronicle "His second-grade teacher made a comment to my wife that it was like 'Alice in Wonderland' becauseScott was always too big for his seat." We can't be sure, but Feldman probably nailed his second-grade teacher. Well done, Scott.

Feldman was also overweight as a youth, hitting 265 pounds, and lost 40 pounds before walking on to the baseball team as a freshman at the College of San Mateo. Despite the physical transformation, Feldman was not able to get any interest in his proposed reality show with Scott Haim.

Feldman went 25-2 at San Mateo with a 1.30 ERA and was drafted in the 30th round of the 2003 draft by the Rangers, but he underwent Tommy John surgery later that year. The Rangers said that had they known Feldman was injured, they would not have drafted him until at least the 31st round.

After working his way up through the Rangers system as a reliever, Feldman was converted to a starter in 2008 and went 6-8 with a 5.29 ERA. With a sub-6.00 ERA in their starting rotation, the conversion was considered a complete success by the Rangers.

Feldman is featured in the MLB-licensed Jewish Major Leaguers Baseball Cards set, commemorating Jewish major leaguers from 1871-2008. Collect all six!