"Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!" shrieked Phillies second baseman Chase Utley upon learning his team would meet the Yankees this week in the World Series. "The Yankees are, like, so famous. I see them on TV all the time. I'm so nervous. Aaaaah!"
As the American League Championship Series played itself out, the Phillies to a man said they didn't have a preference what team advanced. But now that the Yankees knocked off the Angels, the team is letting their true wishes known.
Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard says he is the most nervous of anyone on the team.
"I play at first," he said. "That means every time they get on base, I'll have to make small talk with them. What do I say? What do you say to someone as famous as Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez or Nick Swisher? Is it okay if I ask for their autograph? I hope I don't throw up."
The Phillies met the Yankees for a three-game interleague series during the regular season, but they say this is different.
"I'm not going to lie, that was one of the coolest experiences of my life, seeing all those guys up close," said Phillie starter Cole Hamels. "But this is bigger. All of their stars are going to be playing every game against us! On the same field! I'll be snapping pictures the whole time I'm on the mound. Ohmigod what should I wear? My uniform, you think? Isn't that too casual?"
Phillies manager Charlie Manuel says he will try to do his best to put his team in position to meet their goals.
"It's my job to get these guys prepared to meet the Yankees and not look stupid," he said. "That's all we're looking for in this series. They don't want to do or say anything around someone like Derek Jeter or Robinson Cano that they'll kick themselves over forever. Also, if there's any way I could meet Joe Girardi I mean, wow. What an honor. That guy has accomplished so much in this game. He's a personal hero."
Despite the Phillies reverence for the great Yankees, Yankee captain Derek Jeter says his team will have to play well to win.
"They are the defending champs and they have rolled through the postseason so far," said Jeter. "We need to play our best to win. They're a great team."
"Ohmigod Derek Jeter said that about us?" said Phillies right fielder Jayson Werth. "That just seals it. He is, like, the greatest, most coolest guy ever. I'm definitely getting his autograph."
Despite working a full day on Friday, the nation is back working today on only two days rest.
"I'm tired. But I have to gut it out. It's October," said Bob Stall, a Michigan autoworker. "It's the fourth fiscal quarter and our economy is struggling. I have to do my part."
While most workers claim they perform better on three days rest and, ideally, a week or more between work, other say working on two days rest keeps them sharp.
"With too much time off, my mechanics suffer," said Greg Byrd, who owns an auto body shop in Florida. "They lose focus and then my customers suffer, too."
Michelle Cutliff, an accountant in Las Vegas, says working on two days rest is all about pacing yourself.
"If you come out of the gate too fast, you'll tire too quickly," she said. "That why I normally don't do much on Mondays. I instant message, surf the Internet, doze, that sort of thing. On Tuesday, too. Usually by Wednesday the work is really piling up and then I have to do stuff or I'll be found out and get fired. And then Friday afternoon I shut it down early to start resting for the next week. There's a trick to it. Veterans know this."
U.S. president Barack Obama said he appreciates the country's dedication.
"We need everyone to be a team player right now," he said. "We win, things will get better. I'm talking championship bonuses in the form of tax credits."
News Tweet of the Week
The Anaheim Angels of Whatever are likely not long for the playoff world. So let's celebrate them and their season via iconic images.
The celebratory feel surrounding the the Phillies' return trip to the World Series has been dampened today by reports of an ugly incident in which the Phillie Phanatic, the team's mascot, told a young fan to "phuck oph," "die in a phucking phire," and challenged the child to a "phight."
"We are investigating the alleged incident," Phillies president Dave Montgomery said in a statement, "and will not comment phurther until all the phacts are known. However, if true, I will commend the Phanatic for using a 'Ph' in all 'F' words, which supports the team's brand and makes for a phan-phriendly atmosphere."
A source within the team's phront office was willing to comment oph the record: "If it's true, this kid needs to suck it up. The Phanatic used 'Ph' words, no? People love that crap around here."
According to eyewitnesses, the Phanatic was seen taking drinks from a bottle of Phinlandia vodka that he had hidden in his costume throughout the game and became very drunk by the phiphth inning, phalling down several times.
After the phinal out of the eighth inning, the Phanatic tripped and phell into a young boy and then suddenly began berating the child.
"Phuck oph!" the Phanatic yelled. "I will phucking destroy you, you phat phaggot!"
The reactions of those closest to the incident were mixed.
"I was just excited to hear the Phanatic talk," said Doug Mexler, who sat two rows up from the child. "Me and my buddies have had a bet for years about whether or not he can talk. I won phiphty dollars. Which I hope is the same as fifty."
"It was the most ophensive thing I have ever seen," said Linda Grassley, a phriend of Mexler's. "But if it's true that the Phanatic was using the 'Ph' form of the words, well maybe it was awesome. I'm not sure."
The Phanatic was unavailable for comment on the story and was being treated for alcohol poisoning this morning at a Philadelphia-area phree clinic.
Baseball purist John McGee was horrified and disappointed today to be beaten to death today by an attacker wielding an aluminum baseball bat.
“Oh, this is terrible!” yelled out McGee when his mugger began beating him with a DeMarini Voodoo baseball bat made with space-age SC-3 aluminum alloy and a composite handle. “Why, God, why? Why kill me with an aluminum bat? This is no way for a person to go! Especially not someone who so cherishes our nation's pastime!”
McGee, who retired from teaching in 2004, moved to Cooperstown, New York, to volunteer at the Baseball Hall of Fame. He was approached by his murderer while walking to his car this morning. After taking McGee’s wallet, the mugger apparently decided he had to kill him so he could not be identified. It was then that the blows from the DeMarini began to reign down upon McGee.
After first bemoaning his cruel fate of being bludgeoned to death with an aluminum bat, McGee enraged his attacker further by insulting him as the blows continued to strike him.
“Sure, you can hurt me with an aluminum bat,” gasped McGee, his ribs splintering with the whip action of the barrel, “but I doubt you could hurt me at all with a wood bat” – blow to the legs that shattered his left femur – “That’s what real men use to beat people, you know” – disfiguring blow to his face – “Anyone can beat someone up with an aluminum bat. Girls can do that. But wood?” – another blow to the head that exposes brain matter – “That’s for real men.”
But as death closed in on him, McGee stopped antagonizing his attacker and turned his pleas inward and upward.
“Dear, sweet Jesus!” cried McGee. “Dear, sweet God! Dear, sweet Bob Costas! Please welcome me into heaven where I can sit beside you and discuss bunting runners over for all of eternity. And please forgive this young man for what he has done to me. He knows not the satisfaction that comes from beating a man with an ash Louisville Slugger! Let him learn, Lord, let him learn.”
The Internet was abuzz yesterday as a YouTube video showing Yankees closer Mariano Rivera having what could only be called "relations" with the baseball during Game 4 of the ALCS made the rounds. After Rivera achieved orgasm, his next pitch had a sharp break to it. But Major League Baseball has said the allegations of a possible semenball are far too disgusting to investigate.
"What do you want me to do," said MLB director of public relations Jonathan McCourt, "take the ball and see if there are traces of Mariano Rivera's semen on it? Yeah, no thanks. Not something in the job description I interviewed for."
Despite MLB's refusal to investigate the matter further, the video clearly shows Rivera looking around, removing his member from his pants, pleasuring himself for approximately 25 seconds, ejaculating in the direction of the ball, placing his member back in his pants, and then throwing a pitch that had a sharp slider break.
"Look, from everything I hear, that's exactly what happened," said commissioner Bud Selig. "But no way am I looking at the video. I saw about three seconds of it and I lost my lunch. Under no circumstances will I view it again. If that's how Mariano Rivera wants to win then fine, I guess. I'm not going out onto the mound to stop him, and I don't think any of our umpires would be willing to do that either."
Rivera addressed reporters before batting practice this morning and said he understood that it might have looked like he ejaculated on the ball, but "it was the angle."
"I didn't do it," he said. "Did I rub one out? Of course. Everyone who saw the game knows I did. But I just did that to relax myself. It was a pressure situation. But I definitely did not put semen on the ball."
Yet the closer left some doubts.
"I will say that there's nothing in the rule book that addresses semenballs or spermballs, as some people call them," he said. "I know. I looked."