Off to a miserable start in his first World Series, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is looking to end his slump by the old baseball method of hooking up with someone who is unattractive. And he says he has just the person in mind.
"I think I'm going to do Kurt Russell," said Rodriguez, now 0-for-8 in the series with six strikeouts. "I find him unattractive, yet he's also my girlfriend's stepfather. So she shouldn't mind too much."
Kurt Russell says he is still weighing the decision, but will decide before Game 3 so he can either do it with Rodriguez or the slugger can find someone equally or even more displeasing.
"I mean, I guess I could do it," he said. "It would be like acting. I'd just have to get into character. And my character would be me, Kurt Russell, having sex with Alex Rodriguez. Hmm. I'm not sure if I understand my character's motivation."
Rodriguez is in a long-term relationship with actress Kate Hudson, Russell's stepdaughter from his marriage to actress Goldie Hawn. But even though the couple is considering marriage, Rodriguez says Hudson was at first a bit of a slump-buster herself.
"I've always been more into the she-male, muscular types," he said. "Whereas Kate is soft and delicate and petite and curvaceous. It was hard for me to get past that and not just dry-heave for a while."
He sees Russell as more of a return to that norm.
"Put a blond wig on him and have him talk in a fake British accent, and it will almost be like doing it with Madonna again," he said. "I can work around the penis if it will get me out my slump. This is the World Series. I have to do whatever I have to do."
I am a baseball player. But if there is one thing the game has taught me, it's not a lesson about competition or sportsmanship or being a man or anything like that.
It's that you might have to fight an old person at a moment's notice.
Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS did I go to the park that day expecting to fight Don Zimmer? Not really. But then one thing led to another and I had to throw that 72-year-old man to the ground.
Live and learn.
Now I'm ready to kick an old person's ass at any moment. And you can be, too.
FOX is broadcasting the 2009 World Series between the New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies.
Here is FOX analyst Howie Long with his keys to the series.
On his first day on the job as the new hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, Mark McGwire was approached by outfielder Rick Ankiel for some batting tips.
But McGwire, ever safe with his words, just regurgitated lines his attorneys approved from his infamous testimony before Congress.
"Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod!" shrieked Phillies second baseman Chase Utley upon learning his team would meet the Yankees this week in the World Series. "The Yankees are, like, so famous. I see them on TV all the time. I'm so nervous. Aaaaah!"
As the American League Championship Series played itself out, the Phillies to a man said they didn't have a preference what team advanced. But now that the Yankees knocked off the Angels, the team is letting their true wishes known.
Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard says he is the most nervous of anyone on the team.
"I play at first," he said. "That means every time they get on base, I'll have to make small talk with them. What do I say? What do you say to someone as famous as Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez or Nick Swisher? Is it okay if I ask for their autograph? I hope I don't throw up."
The Phillies met the Yankees for a three-game interleague series during the regular season, but they say this is different.
"I'm not going to lie, that was one of the coolest experiences of my life, seeing all those guys up close," said Phillie starter Cole Hamels. "But this is bigger. All of their stars are going to be playing every game against us! On the same field! I'll be snapping pictures the whole time I'm on the mound. Ohmigod what should I wear? My uniform, you think? Isn't that too casual?"
Phillies manager Charlie Manuel says he will try to do his best to put his team in position to meet their goals.
"It's my job to get these guys prepared to meet the Yankees and not look stupid," he said. "That's all we're looking for in this series. They don't want to do or say anything around someone like Derek Jeter or Robinson Cano that they'll kick themselves over forever. Also, if there's any way I could meet Joe Girardi I mean, wow. What an honor. That guy has accomplished so much in this game. He's a personal hero."
Despite the Phillies reverence for the great Yankees, Yankee captain Derek Jeter says his team will have to play well to win.
"They are the defending champs and they have rolled through the postseason so far," said Jeter. "We need to play our best to win. They're a great team."
"Ohmigod Derek Jeter said that about us?" said Phillies right fielder Jayson Werth. "That just seals it. He is, like, the greatest, most coolest guy ever. I'm definitely getting his autograph."
Despite working a full day on Friday, the nation is back working today on only two days rest.
"I'm tired. But I have to gut it out. It's October," said Bob Stall, a Michigan autoworker. "It's the fourth fiscal quarter and our economy is struggling. I have to do my part."
While most workers claim they perform better on three days rest and, ideally, a week or more between work, other say working on two days rest keeps them sharp.
"With too much time off, my mechanics suffer," said Greg Byrd, who owns an auto body shop in Florida. "They lose focus and then my customers suffer, too."
Michelle Cutliff, an accountant in Las Vegas, says working on two days rest is all about pacing yourself.
"If you come out of the gate too fast, you'll tire too quickly," she said. "That why I normally don't do much on Mondays. I instant message, surf the Internet, doze, that sort of thing. On Tuesday, too. Usually by Wednesday the work is really piling up and then I have to do stuff or I'll be found out and get fired. And then Friday afternoon I shut it down early to start resting for the next week. There's a trick to it. Veterans know this."
U.S. president Barack Obama said he appreciates the country's dedication.
"We need everyone to be a team player right now," he said. "We win, things will get better. I'm talking championship bonuses in the form of tax credits."